


Alastor Pilgrim vs The World

by FurbyDisaster53



Series: Hazbin Hotel Movie Parodies [11]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/M, Human Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Human Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), Humor, M/M, Parody, Past Relationship(s), Scott Pilgrim References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28603665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FurbyDisaster53/pseuds/FurbyDisaster53
Summary: Things are going well for Alastor Pilgrim, who’s in a band and dating a girl named Nifty. But things take a turn for him when Alastor meets the guy of his dreams, Angel Dust.And the only thing standing between the two of them are Angel’s seven evil exes.
Relationships: Alastor/Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), Alastor/Niffty (Hazbin Hotel)
Series: Hazbin Hotel Movie Parodies [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974124
Comments: 97
Kudos: 57





	1. Dating a High Schooler

**Author's Note:**

  * For [animechess69](https://archiveofourown.org/users/animechess69/gifts).



Not so long ago, in the mysterious land of New Orleans, Louisiana, Alastor Pilgrim was dating a high schooler. It was a big deal for him; Alastor lived a relatively boring life. He had a sarcastic roommate and played bass in a band, and his plain brown hair and glasses never left much of an impression on people. But now he had a girlfriend and he couldn’t be more proud.

Right now he was meeting with his band mates, Rosie and Husk, at Arackniss’s house. “So...Alastor Pilgrim is dating a high schooler?” Rosie asked.

“Fucking weirdo….” Husk muttered.

“How old are you now, Alastor? Twenty eight?” asked Rosie.

“Rosie dear, I am not playing your games today,” Alastor replied. 

“Lets see now, you’ve been out of high school for around thirteen years-,” Rosie started.

“I am twenty two! Twenty two,” Alastor said, as he finished making his coffee.

“So, you’re actually dating a high schooler?” Husk asked.

“Yes indeedy!” Alastor smiled.

“So did you fuck?” Arackniss asked. 

“No! Don’t be so crude. We ride the bus together and discuss how her year book club went,” Alastor replied. 

“Have you kissed her?” Husk asked.

“No, but we held hands! Well, until she got embarrassed” Alastor answered. 

“Well, aren’t you simply pleased as punch?” Rosie asked.

“I’ve no idea what you’re referring to,” Alastor said. 

“What’s her name anyway?” Arackniss asked.

“Nifty Denmark. She’s a redhead,” said Alastor.

“So, when do we meet her?” Husk asked. 

“Please let it be sometime soon,” Rosie added, fighting the urge to roll her eyes.

Just then, the doorbell rang, and Alastor’s brilliant white smile got even bigger. “That’s for me!” he said. 

Alastor got the door, and standing on the other side was a seventeen year old girl with red hair and bright blue eyes. “Hi!” she exclaimed.

“Nifty darling, do you promise to be good?” Alastor grinned. 

“Of course I’ll be good! Am….am I usually not?” Nifty asked. 

Just then, Husk walked over to the door. “Nifty! This is my old friend Husker! He’s the talent,” Alastor explained. 

“Hey,” Husk said, before slamming the door in the girl’s face and turning to Alastor. “Is she gonna sit there fangirling the whole time?” he asked. 

“No, I don’t think so! Why? Would you like her to?” Alastor asked. 

Husk thought it over, then sighed. “Okay, only if we sound good,” he said. 

“In that case, she can geek! She’ll geek. She has the capacity to geek,” the brunette smiled. 

Husk opened the door back up, and looked down at the confused Nifty. “You’re good. Get your ass in here,” he said. 

“Thanks!” she smiled, running in. 

Alastor led her to the room where the band was setting up, and he motioned to Rosie by the drums. “Nifty, that’s Rosie,” he said.

“Wow! You play the drums?” Nifty asked.

“Yes,” Rosie deadpanned. 

“And that is Arackniss!” Alastor said, pointing at his friend on the couch.

“Hey,” Arackniss said. 

“Hi! So, what do you play?” Nifty asked.

“Chess, tetris, absolutely no instruments,” Arackniss replied.

“Alrighty! Let’s start with Launchpad McQuack!” Alastor exclaimed, as he got his bass. 

“For the last time, that isn’t what the song is called!” Husk shouted. 

“We are Hunting Season! One, two, three, four!” Rosie yelled, before the group began to play as Nifty watched in awe.

“You guys….are so…..amazing!!” she cheered.

After practice, Nifty had gone back home and the band was sitting around. “So...she seems nice I guess,” Husk shrugged. 

“Indeed she is!” Alastor replied.

“Alastor, if your life had a face, I would punch it,” Rosie muttered. 

“What do you mean by that?” Alastor asked.

“I mean, are you really happy or really evil,” Rosie said. 

“Are you suggesting that I have ulterior motives? Rosie, I am offended,” Alastor returned. 

“Wounded even?” Rosie asked. 

“Yes Rosie, I’m hurt,” Alastor said.

“You? Hurt?” asked Rosie. 

Alastor sighed and turned his attention to Arackniss. “So, you were saying Nifty seemed brilliant?” he asked.

“Hm? Oh, she’s alright,” Arackniss replied. 

“Indeed she does!” Alastor smiled.

Later that night, Alastor headed back home, the usual smile on his face. Rosie had no idea what she was talking about. He was happy with Nifty, and that’s how things would stay.


	2. Alastor’s Precious Little Life

Alastor went inside his house, and his roommate Vaggie, an easily irritable Latina, was reading on the couch. “Now, before you hear any rumors from anyone else, yes. I am dating a seventeen year old,” Alastor said. 

“Oh, is he cute?” Vaggie asked. 

“No one thinks that you’re funny,” Alastor replied.

“Does this mean we should stop sleeping together?” asked Vaggie.

“Well, do you see another bed in here?” Alastor asked, as he went to clean his glasses.

“Great, looks like you’re stuck being my bitch forever,” Vaggie muttered. She owned most of the things in the apartment since Alastor was in between jobs at the moment. 

“So, the seventeen year old thing....please don’t tell that many people,” Alastor said, as he walked back out. 

“Hey, you know me,” Vaggie replied.

“And especially do not tell my sister,” Alastor continued. 

“You know me….” Vaggie said, taking out her phone. 

“Who are you texting?” Alastor asked.

At that the phone rang. He picked it up and his younger sister, a blonde girl named Charlie, was on the other end. “A seventeen year old?! Scandal…” she said.

“That isn’t true. Who told you?” Alastor asked. 

“Vaggie!” Charlie answered.

“That gossipy broad…” muttered Alastor.

“You know me,” Vaggie shrugged.

“Vagatha!” Alastor growled.

“So, who are they anyway?” Charlie asked.

“Nifty Denmark,” Alastor answered.

“.....so you’re with a seventeen year old schoolgirl?” Charlie asked.

“It’s….a catholic school too,” Alastor sighed.

“With uniforms?” Charlie asked.

“Yes, dear,” Alastor nodded.

“Holy crap…” Charlie muttered. “Have you guys….um….” she started.

“Goodness no! Well, I think she hugged me once,” Alastor replied.

“Al? Why are you doing this?” Charlie asked. 

“Because it’s nice! It is pleasant and simple,” Alastor said.

“Al, it’s been almost a year since you broke up with you know who. Are you actually moving on or just being….weird?” asked Charlie.

“I’ll have to get back to you on that one,” Alastor answered. 

The next day, Alastor and Vaggie were waiting for Nifty outside of her school. “I do not want to be here at all,” Vaggie stated.

“Oh come now! The school has other girls!” Alastor smiled. 

“I hate you. Even I would think twice about dating a seventeen year old,” Vaggie said. 

“Well, she can’t be out after dark, so I wouldn’t exactly call it dating. It’s more like….” Alastor started, before he tried to think of a word. 

“Playtime?” Vaggie asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Well goodness, when you put it that way it sounds wrong,” Alastor said, as Vaggie nodded.

“Al!” Nifty exclaimed, as she ran over to them. 

“Hello, Nifty! Dear, this is my charming gay roommate Vaggie. She’s a lesbian,” Alastor explained, as Vaggie gave a small wave.

“Oh! I know a gay girl in my class!” Nifty smiled. 

“Oh? Does she wear glasses?” Vaggie asked. 

“Vaggie, you can go now, be gone,” Alastor said.

Vaggie rolled her eyes and held Nifty’s hands. “You’re too good for him. Run,” she said, before leaving.

After that, Alastor and Nifty headed to the arcade. Alastor wasn’t the biggest fan of video games, but Nifty adored them, so he felt like it would be a good place to go. He had also gone out of his way to learn video game trivia, just so he could impress her. 

“Did you know that the initial name for Pac-Man was Puck-Man? Now, one would think that it was because he looks like a hockey puck, but it actually comes from the Japanese phrase ‘paku-paku’, which means to flap one’s mouth open and closed. They changed it because they figured Puck-Man would be too easy to vandalize. You know, change the P into an F and all that. Isn’t that fascinating?” Alastor asked, as they played a ninja game.

“Oh wow! That’s neat!” Nifty smiled. 

“It is! Very much so,” Alastor replied, as the game ended. 

“I got it!” Nifty exclaimed, as she entered a quarter.

When they finished up at the arcade, they headed to Goodwill to look around. “Y’know, I never got too into music before, but you guys rock,” Nifty said. 

“Why thank you my dear,” smiled Alastor. 

The conversation kept up when the two went to look around a music store. “I bet you guys will be famous one day!” Nifty exclaimed.

“Well, we are relatively well known, but it would be interesting if more people wore our t-shirts,” Alastor replied.

Nifty looked over at the counter, where a blonde with short hair was working. “Excuse me? Do you have anything by the Clash of Demonhead?” she asked.

“Did you check the Clash of Demonhead section?” the clerk asked, in the most patronizing way possible. 

“Thank you, Katie,” Alastor muttered. 

“Are you coming to my party Friday or will you be too busy babysitting?” Katie asked.

“Thank you, Katie,” Alastor repeated, with a strained smile. “You don’t have to listen to her,” he said, looking back at Nifty. He noticed the Clash of Demonhead CD she was holding. “And you certainly don’t need to listen to them,” he said, as he put it away. 

“But they’re pretty good! I like them!” Nifty said.

“I liked them too. That is, until they made it big and the lead singer became a heartless monster and ruined my life forever,” Alastor replied.

Nifty remained completely oblivious. “Velvet Vincent is sooo cool! Have you read her blog?” she asked.

“Of course not, I don’t understand technology. Now, what were you saying about me?” Alastor asked. 

They kept talking as they headed back outside. “I don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone as talented as you,” Nifty sighed.

“Do you date often?” Alastor asked. 

“No,” Nifty replied.

“Well, I’ll still consider that an achievement,” Alastor grinned.

“I….I haven’t even kissed a guy,” Nifty admitted. 

“Well, neither have I,” the brunette replied, making Nifty giggle and pull him into a hug.

They kept walking, and eventually wound up at Alastor and Vaggie’s house. “There you have it!” he smiled. 

“Ooooh! This is your secret lair?” Nifty asked.

“Yes indeedy!” answered Alastor.

“Can I go inside?” Nifty asked.

“I’m afraid not. My secret lair is an….’authorized personnel only’ sort of place,” Alastor explained. 

“Ohhhh I see,” Nifty nodded. 

“But if you like, I could show you the house I grew up in,” Alastor said.

“Yeah!” Nifty smiled.

He pointed out a small house that was literally across the street. “Wow…..” Nifty whispered.

“Yes. Wow,” Alastor agreed.

That night, when Alastor was asleep, he had the strangest dream. He was completely alone in a desert. “Oh goodness….I’m all alone…” he muttered.

Suddenly, a figure came into view. He had white hair, baby blue eyes, jean shorts, fishnets, a pink and white striped crop top, and he effortlessly rollerbladed across the sand. Alastor felt his jaw drop at the sight of him. “Ya not alone,” he said.

“Pardon?” Alastor asked.

“Ya just having a weird ass dream,” the rollerblader replied, as he started disappearing from view. 

“Wait! Wait, I don’t even know your name!” Alastor called.

The brunette woke up with a start, and it caused Vaggie to wake up beside him. “What is it, Alastor?” she asked. 

“I had the most peculiar dream…” Alastor replied. 

A short blonde girl on Vaggie’s other side woke up with a yawn. “What is it, Mimzy?” Vaggie asked.

“Can we save that dream for later? I’m tired,” she said.

“But there was this guy…” Alastor started.

“Guy?” Vaggie asked.

“Oh geez, was this a...Velvet related dream?” Mimzy asked.

“Hon, we do not say that name in this house,” Vaggie said. 

“I’ve never seen him before. He’s completely new,” Alastor said, as he got out of bed to find his glasses. 

“Well good for you!” Mimzy smiled, before going back to sleep.

“Speaking of new, weren’t you taking your fake high school girlfriend to the library a half hour ago?” Vaggie asked. 

“Dear, it’s only six in the morning,” Alastor said before he opened a window. The brunette found himself blinded by the sheer power of the sun. “I’m late!” he exclaimed.

Alastor quickly got ready and rushed out the door, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't forget the mysterious rollerblader from his dream.


	3. This One Guy.....

Alastor managed to make it to the library, and he held a few books for Nifty. “Goodness, this is bizarre. Libraries remind me of grade school,” Alastor said. 

“Wow! That must feel like such a long time ago!” Nifty exclaimed.

“Yes, it was quite a while I suppose,” Alastor shrugged.

The two headed to the checkout counter, and Alastor’s eyes widened. The white haired rollerblader from his dream was standing there, and he looked over at Alastor. Meanwhile, Alastor just stood there like a deer in headlights, and Nifty watched in curiosity. 

“Do you know that guy?” Nifty asked, as Alastor watched him leave the library, his thoughts elsewhere. 

It stayed that way through band practice, as Alastor continued to be distracted by thoughts of the mystery boy. “ALASTOR!” Husk yelled.

“Goodness, what?!” Alastor replied.

“You only played two notes in the whole damn song,” said Husk.

“Is your little girlfriend distracting you?” Rosie asked.

“Oh! I can be quiet!” Nifty exclaimed.

“Well, let’s do that one again!” Husk shouted.

“I apologize, what are we doing?” Alastor asked, causing his bandmates to groan.

After practice, Alastor, Husk, Rosie, and Arackniss were walking down the street, and Alastor asked what they were doing once again. “I told you fifty fucking times!” Husk groaned.

“We’re going to this party, dipshit,” Arackniss said, giving Alastor a look.

“A party?” Alastor asked.

“At Katie’s,” Husk answered.

“I thought the two of you were finished,” Alastor said.

“We did, but I got word there might be some label guys there,” Husk replied.

“Wow, this engagement sounds positively thrilling,” Alastor said, with the fakest smile he’d ever used.

“Well, at least it’ll give us something to complain about, dear,” Rosie shrugged. 

When they reached the party, Alastor stood by Arackniss, each with a red solo cup in hand. Neither of them were very fond of parties, but they had to do it for their friends. “Goodness, this is dreadful,” Alastor muttered. 

“Yep,” Arackniss nodded, as he sipped his drink.

“I’ll go sit in the bathroom since I have nothing better to do,” Alastor said, before walking away. 

“Damnit, I gotta pee,” Arackniss sighed.

As he walked, Alastor spotted an overdressed guy with dark hair, and walked over. “Stolas! It’s wonderful to see you!” he smiled.

“Oh, and you as well!” Stolas replied, as he noticed the solo cup. “I see you’ve already got a drink?” he asked.

“No, I’m not drinking today. This is only Dr. Pepper,” Alastor answered. 

“Fair enough. I do remember you getting ridiculously drunk at that one antique sto-,” Stolas started, before Alastor cut him off.

“Stolas, you know everyone, don’t you?” he asked.

“Nearly everyone, yes,” Stolas nodded.

“Do you know this one guy who looks like this?” Alastor asked, as he held up a crude drawing he did. 

“Yes, that is Anthony Giuliani, only he goes by Angel Dust. Rumor has it he’s going to be here tonight,” Stolas explained. 

“He is?!” Alastor gasped. 

“Alastor, do you like him? I feel the need to tell you, he is a bit hardcore-,” Stolas began, only Alastor had already run off. 

He wandered through the party until he spotted Angel leaning against a wall. His white hair shined under the light, and he had an aloof nature about him. Alastor crushed the cup in his hand, and after getting another, he walked over. “Hello there!” he smiled. 

“Oh, hey,” Angel replied. 

Alastor had no idea where to go from there, and he just said the first thing that came into his mind. “Do you know of Pac-Man?” he asked.

Angel raised an eyebrow, but he was slightly curious to see where this was going. “Yeah, I know him,” he said.

“D-Did you know that the initial name for Pac-Man was Puck-Man? Oh but it isn’t because he looks like a hockey puck! You see, it actually comes from the Japanese phrase ‘paku-paku’, which means to um…..to flap one’s mouth open and closed. They changed it because they thought that uh...that Puck-Man would be too easy to vandalize. Because someone could scratch out the P…..and put an F,” Alastor rambled.

“Oh uh….that's neat I guess,” Angel said.

“This may sound strange but….am….am I dreaming?” Alastor asked.

He immediately regretted saying that, and decided to finish the conversation before he could keep embarrassing himself. “I shall leave you alone forever now!” he exclaimed, before running off. 

As soon as he left Angel, Alastor ran over to Arackniss. “ARACKNISS!! He’s real!!” he shouted.

“Who?!” Arackniss returned. 

“Angel Dust!” Alastor answered. 

“You mean my cousin?!” asked Arackniss, only Alastor had already started running again. 

Alastor found Stolas where he had left him. “Stolas! What do you know about Angel Dust?” he asked. 

“Not much; I only know that he’s from New York,” Stolas replied.

“New York…” Alastor sighed.

“Why don’t you go and talk to Stella and Lilith?” Stolas asked.

Alastor took the suggestion and hurried to the two women. “I have a question! What do you know about Angel Dust?” he asked. 

“Only that he has a boyfriend,” Lilith answered.

“Some gentleman back in New York,” Stella continued.

Alastor went around the party, asking his acquaintances what they knew about Angel.

“I hear that he kicks all kinds of ass,” Helsa told him. 

“He’s on a whole other level,” Lucifer had said. 

“He’s got men dying at his feet!” Mayberry said. 

“He has some serious battle scars,” Collin explained. 

“What about Angel Dust?” Katie asked.

“Do you know him?” Alastor asked.

“Yes. He just moved here and got a job with Amazon,” Katie answered.

“He did?” asked Alastor.

“Didn’t you say he just dumped someone’s ass?” Husk asked, as he walked over. 

“Did he really?” Alastor asked, suddenly turning hopeful.

“Think they had a huge fight or some shit,” Husk shrugged. 

“Did they really?” Alastor asked.

“Yes! But I didn’t want to tell Alastor that, Husk!” Katie stated.

“I just don’t know what it is about him…” Alastor muttered.

“Listen asshole! I forbid you from hitting on Angel. Even if you haven't been in a real relationship in months,” Katie said.

“Hey! Al’s mourning period is over. He’s dating a high schooler,” Husk said. 

“Dating a high schooler is the mourning period!” Katie yelled.

“I really don’t see how who I’m with is any of your concern,” Alastor said.

“I don’t want you scaring off the coolest guy at my party! We all know you're a total wannabe bastard relationship ruiner,” said Katie.

“That isn’t true,” Alastor said.

“Oh yeah? What about all that stuff with Tilla? And Barbie Wire? And Rosie?” Katie asked.

“Those were misunderstandings! And Rosie and I are thick as thieves now!” Alastor replied. 

“Fuck off, Angel is out of your league. I don’t even know if the breakup was real; he mentioned some guy named Valentino,” Katie explained. 

“I just can’t explain what it is…” Alastor muttered. 

“FORGET IT, ALASTOR!” Katie shouted.

Later that night, Alastor was lying in bed when Vaggie opened the door. “Guess who’s drunk?” she asked.

“I guess Vagatha,” Alastor answered. 

“You guess right!” she said, before slamming the door and jumping onto the bed.

“So, that guy from my dream….I saw him at the library,” Alastor said.

“Uh huh library,” Vaggie muttered. “Can I pretend we’re talking about a girl?” she asked.

“Then I was forced to go to this dreadful party, but there was a glimmer of hope! There he was,” Alastor sighed.

“There she was….” Vaggie said.

“I think he’s….” Alastor continued. 

“I think she’s….” his roommate copied. 

“I think he’s the man of my dreams,” Alastor finished. 

“Then break up with your fake high school girlfriend and do something about it you, lo siento hijo de puta,” said Vaggie. 

“I…..I’ve never been this sure about anything,” Alastor said.

“Then dump her ass and ask the guy out,” Vaggie said, as she drifted off to sleep. 

Alastor might have fallen asleep too, but the phone rang. He picked it up, and Charlie was on the other end. “Are you considering juggling two people?” she asked.

“Goodness no!” Alastor exclaimed.

“Then break up with your fake high school girlfriend!” Charlie replied.

“Hold on, who told you?” Alastor asked.

“Vaggie,” Charlie answered. 

“But she’s asleep,” Alastor said.

“Oh. Anyhow, you of all people should know how much it hurts to get cheated on,” Charlie said.

“Don’t you have a job to do?” Alastor asked.

“Right! I should send out a mass text about this! Bye!” Charlie smiled, before hanging up. 

Alastor looked at Vaggie, who was fast asleep, phone in hand. “I’ll never understand how she does that…” Alastor muttered, before falling asleep himself.


	4. Angel, Come Closer

Vaggie woke up to Alastor shouting, which was normal. What wasn’t normal was that the brunette was sitting at her computer. Alastor had never gotten one for himself since he didn’t care about technology. “Vagatha! What is the website for Amazon.com?” he asked.

Vaggie looked at him for a minute, and wondered if she actually heard that right. “Amazon.com…..” she answered. 

“Brilliant! I must order something….classy. And distinguished,” Alastor said, as he began scrolling. Just then, a notification appeared. “Vaggie! The computer claims that I have mail!” he exclaimed. 

“Amazing what technology can do these days,” Vaggie said. 

“Now I’m reading it!” Alastor smiled.

“I’m very proud of you,” deadpanned Vaggie.

“‘Dear Mister Pilgrim, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Pentious and….blah, blah, blah. Fair warning….seven evil blah blah. Oh goodness…..this is….this is….” Alastor started.

“What is it already?!” Vaggie shouted.

“This is painfully boring,” Alastor said, before deleting the email and going to place his order.

After that, Vaggie saw him sit on the ground, in front of the door. “Alastor? Are you….waiting for the package you just ordered?” she asked.

“Maybe!” Alastor answered.

“It’s the fucking weekend. It won’t ship until at least Monday,” Vaggie sighed, just before the doorbell rang.

“Ha! You were saying?” Alastor asked, before he pulled it open.

To his surprise, Nifty was on the other side, and she pulled him into a hug. “Attack hug!!” she cheered.

“Oh, attack hug, adorable,” Alastor muttered.

“Remember? You were supposed to meet me at the bus stop a half hour ago? It’s okay if you forgot though! I’m here now,” Nifty smiled. 

“Well that’s wonderful! And….how could I possibly forget?” Alastor asked, a nervous smile on his face.

Alastor and Nifty did all the things they did last time, only he wasn’t paying her any attention at all; his thoughts elsewhere. They played the ninja game in the arcade, only Alastor’s timing was completely off. “Oh look! You’ve gotta fight the Nega Ninja!” Nifty exclaimed.

“Goodness, I can never get past him,” Alastor said. 

“Aww, don’t beat yourself up about it!” Nifty said, just as Alastor lost the round. “We can keep going. I have quarters!” she said. 

“Um….well…..well you see….” Alastor started.

Later, at Husk’s house, Alastor was absent mindedly strumming on a guitar when Husk walked in. “Listen up, motherfuckers. This is important. I got us a show,” he said.

“OHMYGOSHWHEN?!” Nifty screamed.

“Wednesday, The Rockit. And even better? It's the N.O.I.B.B,” Husk explained.

“The New Orleans International Battle of the Bands?!” Nifty gasped. 

“Yep. This guy at the bar said ‘Husk, you know anybody in a band?’ So I told him ‘I’m in a band’ and he said ‘Oh shit you’re in a band’,” Husk continued. 

“Wonderful story, dear,” Rosie said. 

“Is there a prize?” Nifty asked.

“Only a record deal with V. Vernon. Indie producer of the millenium. If we win, Nifty won’t be the only one wearing Hunting Season shirts. The cool bitches will too,” Husk said.

“Al! Al! I promise I will do everything I can to come!” Nifty exclaimed. 

“Fantastic. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need the restroom,” Alastor said, before he got up.

“Who are you battling?” Nifty asked.

“Seviathan and the Boys,” Husk answered.

Alastor went to the bathroom, and found himself in a school hallway. He was confused at first, but then he saw Angel skating past him. “Excuse me?!” Alastor called, before following him. 

He saw Angel turn a corner, an Amazon package in hand. The skater stopped outside of a door that looked a lot like Vaggie’s. Before Alastor could say another word, he woke up from his dream. 

He heard the doorbell ringing and rushed to get it. He smiled as soon as he saw Angel on the other side. “Alastor Pilgrim?” Angel asked.

“Yes indeedy! Hello! I was considering uh...asking you if you’d like to do something one evening...but I realized how idiotic that would be,” Alastor replied. “Unless, well...would you care to go on a date sometime?” he asked.

“Uh, thanks but no thanks, sweetie. I’m kinda busy. Can ya just sign for ya package?” Angel asked.

“You know, I woke up and you were in my dream. I uh, actually dreamt that you were delivering this very package. Is that strange?” Alastor asked. 

“Nah, not really. See, ya got this super convenient subspace highway in ya head that I like to use. I can go like three miles in fifteen seconds,” Angel explained.

“Erm….right,” Alsstor nodded.

“Oh shit, I forgot ya don’t have that down south,” muttered Angel.

“Do you remember me? We met at the party the other day,” Alastor said. 

“The Pac-Man guy?” Angel asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No! Certainly not! I was….I was the other guy,” Alastor replied.

“Alright, cool. Anyway, can ya just sign for this….whatever it is?” Angel asked.

“Right! Well, if I sign for it you’ll have to be on your way,” Alastor said.

“Yep, that’s how it works,” Angel nodded.

“Would you like to meet up sometime? Get to know one another? I mean, you are new. And I’ve lived here all my life. There are reasons for us to...hang out,” Alastor stammered. He was usually so articulate, but something about Angel just made him lose all of that.

Angel chuckled softly and shook his head. “Ya so all over the place. So, ya really wanna hang out?” he asked.

“Only if it’s alright with you,” Alastor answered.

“If I say yes, will ya sign for the fucking package?” asked Angel. 

Alastor grabbed the package and signed for it, then threw the box behind him. “So what do you think? Eight o’ clock?” he asked. 

That night, Alastor walked to the park and saw Angel. “Why are you standing there like that?” Alastor asked.

“Smiles, I was waiting on ya,” Angel replied.

“Oh, my apologies! I didn’t expect you to be here on time. I assumed you were too cool for that,” Alastor said, hoping he wasn’t making a fool of himself. 

“Well, looks like ya assumed wrong,” Angel smiled, as the two started walking.

“So, what brings you to New Orleans?” asked Alastor.

“I dunno, just needed to get away for a bit. I got that job with Amazon, and Val said New Orleans was one of the great cities,” Angel answered. 

“Is….is Val your boyfriend?” Alastor asked.

“He’s….a friend,” Angel said.

“Was he ever your boyfriend?” Alastor asked.

“I don’t really wanna get into that right now,” Angel sighed. 

“Alright!” Alastor nodded. The last thing he wanted to do was overstep his boundaries. “It is most certainly not interesting to me,” he continued, as the two of them sat on some park swings. 

“So, what about ya? Whaddya do?” Angel asked.

“I’m currently in between jobs,” Alastor answered.

“Between what and what?” Angel asked. 

“Well, my lost job was a long story, filled with sighs and disappointment,” Alastor replied.

“I know tons of those,” Angel nodded. 

“Which is why you left New York?” Alastor asked.

“Yeah, basically. It was just time to head somewhere more laid back,” Angel said. 

“Well, you'll certainly find that here,” Alastor smiled, as Angel gave him a soft smile back. 

The two of them kept walking after a bit, and fireflies started to come out. “Why is it so fucking hot? Isn’t it like April?” Angel asked. 

“It’s always like this here. Goodness, this whole ordeal is starting to feel like an unmitigated disaster,” Alastor chuckled.

“I think ‘Act of God’ is a pretty good excuse for a lousy date,” Angel shrugged.

“So….this is a date?” Alastor asked. 

“Did I say date?” Angel asked. Alastor gave him a small nod. “Slip of the tongue,” Angel smirked. 

“Ah...right,” Alastor said.

“Anyhow, night ain’t over yet. I think there’s a thing over here somewhere,” Angel said.

“A thing?” Alastor asked.

“A door,” Angel answered, just before the two of them spotted a white door. “Coming?” Angel asked, holding out a hand.

Alastor took a breath, then held his hand. The two of them headed through the door, and the next thing Alastor knew, they were in Angel’s house. “What kinda tea do ya want?” Angel asked.

“How many kinds do you have?” Alastor asked, as Angel opened the counter.

“I got blueberry, raspberry, ginseng, sleepytime, green tea, green tea with lemon, green tea with lemon and honey, liver disaster, ginger with honey, ginger without honey, vanilla almond, white truffle, blueberry chamomile, vanilla walnut, constant comment and earl grey,” he said.

“....Did you make some of those up?” Alastor asked.

“Think I’ll go with sleepy time,” Angel said, as he got the box. 

“That sounds lovely,” Alastor smiled.

Angel placed two mugs of tea on the table. “Want me to get ya a blanket?” he asked.

“Oh no, I couldn’t possibly put you through any trouble,” Alastor said. 

“Smiles, it’s fine. I got it,” Angel replied, as he walked out of the kitchen.

Alastor sat there alone, drinking his tea, when he wondered what was taking Angel so long. He wandered into rooms, and he accidentally walked in on Angel, wearing nothing but his shorts and fishnets. “Al, I’m changing!” he said.

“Ah! I’m so sorry!” Alastor panicked, before covering his eyes. “I...I was just wondering where you were. I-I was just cold,” he stammered.

“Hey, hey, relax, Al. It’s okay. I ain’t mad at ya,” Angel said. “Look, does this help?” he asked.

“Yes, actually. That’s very warm. What is that?” Alastor asked. 

He opened his eyes and saw that Angel, still shirtless, was hugging him. “Okay….” Alastor said, slightly nervous and his eyes wide. 

Angel quickly pulled away when he heard the nervous tone the brunette had. “I’m sorry. Is that not okay? I don’t wanna make ya uncomfortable,” he said. 

“N-no. No, it’s alright. Just unexpected. I...well the only person I’ve ever been this close to before was…” Alastor trailed off; he didn’t even want to say Velvet’s name.

“Is it okay that I’m this close?” Angel whispered.

If it were anyone else, Alastor would have said no. But this wasn’t anyone; this was Angel. “Yes. It’s alright,” he nodded, before pausing. “May I kiss you?” Alastor asked.

Angel nodded, and gently pulled Alastor into a loving kiss. Alastor was out of practice, he hadn’t kissed anyone in months. Angel didn’t mind though. He found Alastor’s lack of experience endearing. The two pulled away, but still embraced one another.

“Were you….were you just going to get the uh...the blanket from your bed?” Alastor asked, his face bright red. 

“I guess. Wanna both get under it since we’re so cold?” Angel asked.

“Um….alright. But uh….Angel?” Alastor started, as Angel began to take off his shorts and tights. “I...well I haven’t exactly….haven’t exactly done this before,” he continued, turning red at the sight of Angel’s pink, laced underwear. 

“That’s okay, I don’t have to have sex with ya, Pilgrim,” Angel said, as he got into bed.

Alastor took off his shoes and sweater vest, but kept on the rest of his clothes. “You don’t?” he asked, laying beside Angel. 

“Well maybe one day, but not until ya ready. The last thing I wanna do is force ya into anything,” Angel replied, as he pulled Alastor into a hug. “If ya want, we can just cuddle and sleep in my bed,” he said.

“I do. This is very nice actually. Just this. It’s been such a long time, and I believe that I needed something like this. So...thank you,” Alastor replied. 

Angel placed a soft kiss on his cheek. “Ya welcome,” he said, as they went back to cuddling. 

Eventually, the two of them fell asleep, holding each other in a tight embrace.


	5. Slick

The next morning, Alastor was leaving Angel’s house. “Angel? This isn’t going to be a...one and done sort of thing, is it? Could we do something again?” Alastor asked.

“Sure. Like what?” Angel asked.

“My band! We have a performance this evening at the Rockit. This battle of the bands event,” Alastor answered. 

“Ya in a band?” Angel asked.

“Yes! We’re…..a work in progress,” Alastor replied. “So, would you be interested in coming?” he asked.

“Sure, I’d love to,” Angel smiled, before skating off. 

“Wait! Could I please get your phone number?” Alastor called. 

Angel skated back over and placed a piece of paper in Alastor’s hands. The paper had Angel’s name, number, and seven xs across the bottom. “Thank you,” Alastor smiled. 

“See ya at the show, Alastor Pilgrim,” Angel replied, before skating away. 

That night, Angel went to the Rockit, and Alastor smiled at the sight of him. “Angel! You came!” he exclaimed. 

“Course I did. Ya invited me,” Angel said, as he walked over. 

Alastor was so amazed that Angel was there that he was unable to even speak anymore, so he just stood there smiling nervously. To his surprise, Charlie ran over. “Hi! Excuse my brother, he’s just weirdly shy today. I like your hair! I’m Charlie,” she smiled.

“Hey there,” Angel replied.

“This is Vaggie, Al’s roommate,” Charlie continued, as Vaggie gave a half hearted wave.

“And this is Molly, my girlfriend,” the blonde finished, motioning to a girl with blonde and pink hair.

“Hey,” Vaggie said, smiling at her. 

“Oh…..and uh….this is Nifty,” Vaggie said. 

“Hi!” Nifty smiled. 

The redhead jumped up and gave Alastor a kiss on the lips, much to his and Angel’s surprise. “I got a new outfit! Do you like it?” she asked.

“Erm...well….” Alastor stammered, as he looked over everyone. “Oh look at the time! I have to head backstage!” he exclaimed, before running off.

“Alright, this next band is from Baton Rouge, and they are Seviathan and the Boys,” said Travis, the incredibly bored announcer. 

Backstage, Husk was going over the notes they had on Seviathan’s band. “Oh we are fucked. This is a nightmare,” he whispered.

“Once we perform, you’ll be fine,” Rosie said.

“We were just onstage for a soundcheck! And the damn sound guy booed us!” Husk yelled. 

“Husker! We will be fine! Everything will be fine!” Alastor shouted. 

Meanwhile, Seviathan and the Boys were getting ready, and Vaggie turned to Molly. “So Molls, do they rock or suck?” she asked.

“They uh….they didn’t start playing yet,” Molly replied. 

“It was a test, Molly. And you passed,” said Vaggie.

“Good evening. I am Seviathan, these are the boys,” said the guitarist onstage.

“IS THAT GIRL A BOY TOO?” Vaggie shouted, looking at their drummer, Loona.

“Yes. Yes she is,” Seviathan nodded, as Loona flipped Vaggie off. 

“Yeah! You tell ‘em, Loony!” yelled their base player, Blitzo.

“This song is called, ‘I am so sad. I am so very, very sad’. And it goes like this,” Seviathan said.

The band began playing, and the song lasted about fifteen seconds. “It’s not a race, guys!” Vaggie yelled. 

“Okay, this next song goes out to the bitch who keeps yelling things from the balcony. It’s called ‘We hate you, please die’,” Seviathan said.

“Yes! I love this one!” Vaggie smiled. 

The song started, and Hunting Season watched in awe from backstage. Apart from Alastor, since he was preoccupied watching Angel and Nifty on the balcony. “How the hell are we supposed to follow this?! We’re never getting signed with Vernon! We’ll never play at the Chaos Theatre! Al stop standing there, it’s creepy as fuck!” Husk yelled.

When the band finished, Charlie turned to Angel. “So, how do you know Al?” she asked.

“He’s….a friend,” Angel answered. 

“Okay! Cool! Nifty, how did you meet Alastor?” Charlie asked.

“Oh! Funny story-,” she started.

Alastor watched in horror as Nifty spoke to Angel, so he turned and punched Husk in the face. “We need to play now and loud!” he shouted.

“Okay! Fuck off!” Husk returned.

“So, I was on the bus with my mom….” Nifty started, before trailing off as she watched the stage.

“That it?” Angel asked.

“OHMYGOSH! They’re on!” she screamed.

“Okay, this next band is from New Orleans. And…..yep. Give it up for Hunting   
Season,” Travis announced. 

“I LOVE YOU HUNTING SEASON!! WOOOOHOOO!” Nifty squealed. 

“Alright, you guys ready?” Husk asked.

“We are Hunting Season! One...two….three!” Rosie shouted, before they began to play.

Nifty was so excited she fainted, while Angel was surprised by how good they sounded, and he watched with interest. 

While they were performing, a boy with long black hair flew through the ceiling and dove towards the stage. “MISTER PILGRIM!” he shouted, before landing in front of Alastor. “It is I! Matthew Pentious! Consider our fight….begun!” he yelled, before going to punch Alastor. 

“But what did I do?” Alastor asked.

“FIGHT HIM, JACKASS!” Vaggie shouted.

Alastor tossed his base to the side, and blocked the punch. He punched Pentious across the stage, but it didn’t seem to phase him much. “Alright! So that’s how we’re playing,” Pentious said.

“Watch out! It’s that...one guy,” Vaggie said.

Pentious charged towards Alastor, and Alastor kicked him in the face, sending him flying. Alastor jumped up and kept punching him, then the two landed on the ground. “You’re quite the opponent, aren’t you Pilgrim?” Pentious sneered.

“Do I know you?” asked Alastor. 

“My name is Matthew Pentious! And I am Angel’s first evil ex boyfriend!” Pentious returned. 

“His WHAT?” Alastor asked, as all heads in the room whipped around to look at Angel.

“Uhh…..anybody want another drink?” Angel asked. 

“Wait! We’re fighting over Angel?” Alastor asked.

“Didn’t you receive my email explaining the situation?” Pentious asked.

“I….I perused it,” Alastor answered. 

“You will pay for your insolence!” Pentious shouted.

The two went back to fighting, and Pentious managed to overpower Alastor. But before anything could happen, Vaggie spoke up again. “Hey….what the hell are you wearing?” she asked, motioning to Pentious’s Victorian suit.

“Seriously. What, are you fucking Sherlock Holmes?” Husk asked.

“I’ll have you know, Sherlock Holmes is an icon! And he is VERY in this year!” Pentious yelled. 

Alastor and Pentious began fighting again, then Alastor looked up at Angel. “Did you really date this gentleman?!” he asked.

“Yeah, in the seventh grade. It was football season and for some reason, all the little jocks wanted me. Matthew was the only non-jock boy in town, so we joined forces and took 'em all down. We brawled and scrapped, we fought for hours. Nothing could beat Matthew's mystical powers. We only kissed once. After a week and a half, I told him to hit the showers,” Angel explained.

“Hold on a moment, mystical powers?” Alastor asked, as Pentious turned his attention to Angel. 

“You’ll pay for this, Angel!” he shouted, before looking back at Alastor. Just then, music started, seemingly out of nowhere.

“Oh goodness, what are you doing?” Alastor asked, just as Pentious started singing.

“If you want to fight me  
Ha! Your not the brightest  
You won't know what hit you in the slightest!” Pentious sang, before he levitated into the air. He launched fireballs from his fingers, and made four eggs with faces appear and act as backup dancers.

“This is fucking weird,” Husk said. 

“Me and my fireballs  
My demon hipster eggs!” Pentious continued.

“Tell him Matty!” the eggs sang.

“I'm talking the talk 'cause i know I'm slick!” Pentious grinned, before he launched a fireball at Alastor. Alastor dodged and ran onto the stage, but Pentious kept shooting, and destroyed the drum set onstage in the process.

“Fireballs, eggs!  
Take this sucker down  
Let's show him what we're all about!” sang Pentious.

“That doesn't even rhyme!” Alastor shouted, before throwing a cymbal at Pentious. Pentious was hit in the head, and his eggs disappeared.

“This is impossible….how can this be!?” he exclaimed. 

“Open your eyes, maybe you'll see!” Alastor returned, before he jumped up to Pentious and finished him with a punch to the face. Pentious exploded into a small pile of quarters.

“Ah coins! Fantastic,” Alastor smiled, as he started to pick them up. 

Angel turned to Charlie and gave her a smile. “So, it was nice meeting ya! Tell ya lesbian friends I said bye,” he said, before walking off.

“Lesbian friends?” Charlie asked, before she saw Vaggie and Molly making out. “Vaggie! Again?!” she shouted.

“Oh goodness, two forty? That isn’t even enough for the bus,” Alastor muttered, just as Angel grabbed his arm. 

“I can lend ya the thirty cents. Let’s go,” he said, as the two walked away. 

“So…..Hunting Season wins I guess,” Travis said. 

“FUCK YEAH!” Husk yelled, as Nifty finally woke up. 

“They won?” she smiled. “YEAH!!!” she screamed.

Meanwhile, Alastor and Angel were sitting together on the bus. “Angel dear, I don’t mean to be rude, but would you mind telling me what on earth that was all about?” Alastor asked.

“I shoulda told ya. If we’re gonna date, ya gotta defeat my seven evil exes,” Angel replied.

“Your seven….evil….exes….” Alastor said.

“Yep,” Angel nodded.

“So I have to fight them in order for me to continue dating you?” Alastor asked.

“Yeah, basically,” Angel answered.

“So you’re saying that…..we’re dating?” Alastor asked, a blush appearing on his face.

“Do ya wanna be?” asked Angel, giving him a soft smile. 

Alastor couldn’t say a word, so he just nodded. “Then we’re dating,” Angel said, before giving him a kiss on the nose.

Alastor smiled, then he and Angel shared a loving kiss on the lips. Alastor had no idea what he was getting into, but he knew that it would be worth it.


	6. Dinner Date

The next day, Vaggie was making a sandwich when Alastor burst in, a smile on his face. “What are you so happy about?” she asked.

“I’ve got a second date tonight! It’s wonderful,” he smiled. “I’ve invited Angel over for dinner tonight, so would you mind….not being here? I wouldn’t want your negativity tarnishing my date,” Alastor continued, as he went to change his sweater vest.

“Okay Alastor….but you have to do something for me,” Vaggie said, as her roommate stepped back out. 

“Certainly dear! What is it?” Alastor asked.

“You have to break up with Nifty. You can’t keep leading her on like this. Just break up with her today,” Vaggie answered. 

“I will! Eventually! It’s just….well it’s difficult!” Alastor exclaimed. 

“If you don’t, I’ll tell Angel you have a girlfriend, I fucking swear, Alastor,” Vaggie returned.

“You’ll do nothing of the sort!” Alastor shouted, as the bathroom door opened and Molly stepped out.

“Oh hi!” she smiled.

“....I don’t even want to ask,” Alastor said.

“Alright, just go dump your highschool girlfriend while I watch the Lucas Fizzaroli marathon,” Vaggie said. 

“Who on earth is that?” Alastor asked. 

“This pretty good actor,” Vaggie replied, as she showed Alastor a magazine cover with Fizzaroli on it. The actor looked like a mess, with red, black and green hair, and mismatched patterns all over his clothes.

“What does he even do?” Alastor asked.

“What can’t he do? He’s versatile. In fact, he’ll be shooting here in New Orleans soon. And I’ll be there,” Vaggie said.

“I thought you preferred women?” Alastor asked.

“I do. And where there is an action movie, there’s a hot female costar,” Vaggie answered. 

“So this Lucas Fizzaroli….” Alastor started.

“Lucas Fizzaroli is not important to you right now! Go dump your fucking girlfriend!” Vaggie yelled. 

“Fine, fine, I’m going!” Alastor returned, before he headed outside. 

Alastor headed to a pay phone, since he didn’t have a cell, and called Nifty. “Nifty my dear! Can we talk?” he asked.

“Are you wearing….a red sweater vest and khakis?” Nifty asked.

“Dear, I wear that almost every day. You’ll have to try harder than that,” Alastor teased.

“And….sneakers!” Nifty exclaimed.

“I would have worn my good shoes if I could have found them!” Alastor groaned. 

Just then, Nifty banged on the phone booth glass, startling Alastor. “Hi!” she smiled.

“Oh...hello,” he replied.

As Alastor kept thinking over what he should do, the two of them headed to the music store. “Know what I heard? Clash at Demonhead is going to come here for a show! Could you take me? Please please please?” Nifty asked. 

“Erm...Nifty….dear…” Alastor stammered.

“Oh! Do you want to come over for dinner tonight? You can meet my parents! It’s for my birthday,” Nifty said.

“I don’t….I don’t believe that’s a very good idea,” Alastor replied.

“What do you mean?” Nifty asked.

“I’m too old for you,” Alastor answered.

“So? My dad is nine years older than my mom! It’s okay, Alastor. I’m in love with you,” Nifty smiled. 

“I know. And that’s why this hurts me so much. Nifty, I think that it’s time our relationship ended,” Alastor said.

Nifty’s heart stopped, and she stared at Alastor, her blue eyes wide. “W-what?” she asked. 

“I’m sorry Nifty, I truly am. It just won’t work out between us. But I’m certain you’ll find someone better out there! I’m just...well, I’m not the one for you,” Alastor explained.

“Oh. Okay,” Nifty whispered. 

“I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. But that’s why we have to break up. So you don’t get hurt,” Alastor continued.

“I get it. Bye, Alastor,” Nifty said, before walking out of the store.

Later, Alastor was at band practice. He was still in disbelief about actually breaking up with Nifty. “Where’s your little girlfriend?” Rosie asked.

“She and I broke up,” Alastor replied. 

“You broke that sweet little girl’s heart?” Rosie asked, before shaking her head. “Alastor, you are the scum of the earth,” she said.

“I had to do it! It wasn’t as if I could be with her and Angel at once,” Alastor explained. 

“Listen up! As ‘interesting’ as Alastor’s love life is, we need to fucking FOCUS. We barely made it out of that last round. So can we practice already?” Husk asked. 

“Yes! Let’s start!” Alastor smiled.

The band practiced for about a minute before the doorbell rang. “It’s for me!” Alastor exclaimed, before running to open it. He swung the door open, and Angel was standing on the other side. “Angel! Hello!” he said.

“Hey. I came at an okay time, right?” Angel asked.

“Of course!” Alastor nodded, as Angel stepped inside.

Angel looked around at Alastor’s bandmates, before his eyes landed on his cousin. “Oh hey, Arackniss! I didn’t know ya were in a band,” he said.

“I’m not, they just use my house,” Arackniss replied.

“Well then, how do all of ya know each other?” Angel asked.

“High school,” Arackniss answered.

“I actually dated Alastor at the time,” Rosie said. 

“Oh yeah? Got any advice?” Angel asked.

“Yes! Alastor is the biggest mama’s boy you will ever meet,” Rosie replied.

“Alright, goodbye! I’ll see you all tomorrow!” Alastor exclaimed, as he got the door. 

“What about rehearsal?!” Husk called.

“Arackniss knows my part!” replied Alastor, before he and Angel left. 

Back at Alastor’s house, Angel was in the bathroom, Alastor was making jambalaya, and Vaggie was reading. “Are you nervous?” Vaggie asked.

“Nervous? That’s absurd! I’m not nervous whatsoever!” Alastor yelled, just as Angel walked out of the bathroom.

“How’s dinner coming?” he asked.

“Perfect! It’s going wonderfully,” Alastor smiled.

“Alright, I’ll leave you gross lovebirds alone. I’m going to stalk a movie set,” Vaggie said, as she headed for the door. 

“Alright, goodbye!” Alastor replied, as he went back to cooking.

Sometime later, Angel and Alastor were eating jambalaya. “This is actually pretty good shit,” Angel smiled.

“Jambalaya is my favorite dish. I would genuinely eat it for every meal. Or just eat it constantly without even stopping,” Alastor replied.

“And get fat,” Angel said.

“No, why would I get fat?” Alastor chuckled.

“Rice makes ya fat,” Angel answered. 

“Rice makes you fat?!” Alastor asked, in complete shock and disbelief. 

After dinner, Alastor took out his guitar. “I wrote a song about you!” he smiled. 

“Ya did?” Angel asked.

“Yes! And it goes like this,” Alastor said, before he started to play. It was a repetitive song, and just said Angel’s name over and over again, but the chords were nice. Angel smiled as he listened, and clapped when Alastor stopped playing.

“Can't wait to hear it when it’s finished,” Angel said.

“What do you mean by finished?” Alastor asked. 

A while after that, Alastor and Angel were cuddling, and Angel ran a hand through Alastor’s hair. “Ya hair is so soft,” he said. 

“I don’t need it trimmed or anything, do I?” Alastor asked. 

“No, why do ya ask?” asked Angel.

“I got the most awful haircut just before me and my worst ex broke up. It was so long ago; I can hardly remember,” Alastor chuckled. He didn’t want to admit that he had been cutting his own hair ever since. 

“Sounds like a shitty time,” Angel said.

“Oh no! It was a mutual sort of thing!” Alastor lied. “Well, she told me it was mutual,” he continued. 

“What was her name?” Angel asked.

“She was Clarissa when I knew her, but she stopped liking that name. She stopped liking me,” Alastor sighed.

“I think ya hair is cute,” Angel said.

“Thank you,” Alastor replied, before pausing. “Oh! I have an idea! We can take a walk! Vagatha told me they’re shooting a little film nearby, it could be fun to stop there!” he exclaimed. 

“Sure, lead the way,” Angel smiled.

Alastor smiled back, and the two of them headed outside.


	7. That’s a Wrap

Alastor and Angel were walking through the park, and they wound up at the filming location. “This is it?” Angel asked.

“I suppose so,” Alastor shrugged, before he spotted Vaggie. “Oh! Vagatha!” he called, before he and Angel walked over to her. 

“How’s stalking going?” Angel asked. 

“Pretty good I guess. I didn’t get any numbers, but I did get coffee,” Vaggie answered.

The director, a frazzled man named Baxter, was getting things together. “Alright! Make sure Mr. Fizzaroli is ready!” he shouted.

“Did he say Fizzaroli?” Angel asked.

“Lucas Fizzaroli,” Vaggie nodded.

“Fuck…” Angel whispered. 

Just then, Fizzaroli stepped out of his trailer. His multicolored hair was a mess, but he wore a leather jacket instead of the ridiculous one Alastor saw in the magazine. “El haría una mujer hermosa,” Vaggie muttered.

“Ohh shit. We gotta go, now,” Angel said.

“Whatever for?” Alastor asked.

“I used to date that clown,” Angel answered.

“You what?” Alastor asked. 

“Action!” Baxter shouted.

They began filming Fizzaroli, who glared at a man holding a man at gunpoint. “Listen pal, the only thing keeping me and him apart is the two minutes it’ll take me to kick your ass,” he said.

“You dated a famous actor?!” Alastor asked.

“In ninth grade we had drama. Or math. Either way, there was a shitload of drama. He was one of those little brats who thought he was funny,” Angel explained. 

“Hey! I mean YOU, Alastor Pilgrim!” Fizzaroli shouted, as he stormed over. “Listen pal, the only thing keeping me and him apart is the two minutes it’ll take me to kick your ass,” he growled. 

“So, we’re doing this aren’t we?” Alastor asked, before Fizzaroli punched him in the face. “Alrighty then!” Alastor smiled, before getting punched again, this time falling to the floor.

While Alastor was down, Fizzaroli turned to Angel. “Angel, sweetkins! How you doing? New guy seems nice!” he smiled, before grabbing Alastor and throwing him across the film set.

“And that’s a cut!” Baxter yelled. 

“Alastor! Evil ex. Fight and shit,” Vaggie said. 

Fizzaroli stormed over to Alastor and grabbed him by the collar. “Ohhh man, this is the easiest it’s ever been to kick someone’s ass! We should do this more often!” he exclaimed, before throwing Alastor again. “Well, that was fun. Bye!” he laughed, before walking away.

“Excuse me, sir! I’m not finished with you yet!” Alastor shouted. Alastor spun Fizzaroli around, only to find that it wasn’t the actor, but someone who looked just like him. 

“Uh oh! Looks like Pilgrim is seeing double!” Fizzaroli gasped, before he laughed again. The stand in Fizzaroli punched Alastor in the face, knocking him to the ground. 

“Isn’t he great? Sometimes I even use him for wide shots! You know, whenever I’m high, drunk, or both!” Fizzaroli yelled.

Alastor got back up, and soon he was face to face with dozens of Fizzaroli look-alikes. “What can I say? I’m nothing without my stunt robots,” he grinned.

“Hold on a moment, your stunt doubles are robots?!” Alastor shouted.

“Yeah! Humans bruise too easily!” Fizzaroli replied. 

Alastor started to back away as the robots advanced on him. “Alastor!” Vaggie shouted. “As them how it feels to get his sloppy seconds.”

“Alright. How does it feel t-,” Alastor started, before one punched him in the face. 

Alastor and the robots were soon locked in a heated battle. While the robots had high energy and made good fighters, their sloppy construction and constant glitching allowed Alastor to keep up with them. However, it didn’t last; one of the robots hit Alastor to the ground, and soon all of them were beating him as Fizzaroli watched and laughed.

“Hey! I think I’ll get a coffee. You guys keep beating him up for me, okay?” he smiled, just before walking away. 

As Fizzaroli got his coffee, he didn’t notice the noises of the fight dying down. “Mr. Fizzaroli?” called a voice.

The actor turned and saw Alastor triumphantly standing over the destroyed robots. “You’re needed back on set,” Alastor grinned. 

Fizzaroli crushed the cup in his hand, then he and Alastor charged at one another, their hearts beating loudly. Fizzaroli kicked Alastor in the stomach, sending him flying through a backdrop. Fizzaroli walked over to Alastor, who was lying on the ground, and stood over him. “Get ready to feel the wrath of the league of evil exes!” Fizzaroli exclaimed, before laughing wickedly. 

“The league of evil exes?” Alastor repeated.

“Are you telling me you don’t know about the league? We all wanna kill you and control Angel’s love life!” Fizzaroli smiled.

“I’m….I’m not entirely familiar with all of that, no,” Alastor replied.

“Oh. Well no problem! Don’t worry about it!” said Fizzaroli, and he held up a hand to help Alastor up.

“You’re serious?” Alastor asked.

“As the plague! Now, let’s go get a beer,” Fizzaroli replied.

When Alastor took Fizzaroli’s hand, he got an unexpected punch to the face. “You’re a pretty good actor,” Alastor said.

“Uh duh! People love me! I’m trying for an Oscar!” Fizzaroli said.

“Have you ever…..skated before?” Alastor asked.

“Uh yeah! I bought a skating company, that’s how you know I’m good,” Fizzaroli answered.

“Then why don’t you do a little trick? On that rail over there?” Alastor asked, motioning to a long set of stairs with a railing.

“Why? There’s over two hundred steps. Plus the rails are shit,” Fizzaroli said.

“Well, if you just can’t do it….” Alastor started. 

“Don’t you tell me what I can and can’t do! I’m not getting my ass handed to me by a skinny little bastard who thinks it’s the thirties!” Fizzaroli shouted, before walking over to the stairs. “Someone get me a board,” he said.

Vaggie popped up with a skateboard, and she handed it over. “Think you can get me your costars number?” she asked.

“Hell no,” Fizzaroli answered. 

Fizzaroli got on his board, and began grinding down the rail, leaving sparks behind him. He kept getting faster and faster, reaching speeds over a hundred miles per hour.

Alastor and Vaggie watched intently from the top of the stairs, then they saw an explosion down below. “Wow, he totally bailed,” Vaggie said, as coins shot up from where the explosion was. 

“Yes! I did it!” Alastor smiled.

“Alright…..that’s a wrap, everybody,” Baxter said. 

Alastor and Vaggie walked back to the set, which was already being packed away. “Where’s Angel? Is he still here?” Alastor asked.

“Nope. He totally bailed,” Vaggie answered. 

“Oh….well….alright,” Alastor said. 

He scanned the crowd, looking for Angel’s bright white hair, but he was nowhere to be seen. “Wanna head back?” Vaggie asked.

“Certainly,” Alastor nodded, as the two of them left, with Alastor wondering if Angel left because of something he did.


	8. Heartbreaker

Alastor had left Angel dozens of messages, and now he was waiting by the phone. “What’s wrong?” Vaggie groaned, as she passed by him to go to the fridge. “Everything! Angel isn’t speaking to me, and I still have five exes to worry about,” Alastor sighed.

“You can’t say you didn’t see this coming,” Vaggie said.

“What do you mean?” Alastor asked.

Vaggie rolled her eyes and grabbed Angel’s number off of the fridge, then she pointed at the xs along the bottom. “What did you think these were?” she asked.

“Seven kisses,” Alastor answered.

“Nope. They’re for seven deadly exes,” Vaggie replied, as Alastor’s eyes widened.

“Oh goodness, why does all of this have to be so complicated?” he sighed.

“If you really want something, you need to fight for it. Step up your game, hijo de puta! Use the L word,” Vaggie said.

“Lesbian?” Alastor asked.

“No, the other L word,” Vaggie replied.

“Ah! Lesbians!” Alastor smiled.

“It’s love, dumbass! Look, if Angel is really the guy of your dreams, then you have to let him know. You have to overcome any and all obstacles that lie in your path. You have the spirit of a fighter, Alastor. You can do it! Be with her! It's your destiny! Plus, I need you to move out,” Vaggie said. 

“Whatever for?!” Alastor exclaimed.

“It’s impossible to keep a girlfriend when everyone knows your roommate is the creepy bastard who tells dumbass jokes. I’m banking on Angel calling you back so I don’t need to evict you and feel guilty and shit,” Vaggie explained, as the phone rang. “I think that’s for you,” she said.

Alastor ran over and picked up. “Hello!” he exclaimed.

“Hey, Allie,” replied a female voice, one that Alastor knew all too well.

“Velvet?” he asked.

“Oh fuck,” Vaggie said.

“Been a while. How are you?” Velvet asked.

“I’m perfectly fine, my dear!” Alastor replied.

“Still breaking hearts?” asked Velvet.

“Be quiet. Things have been different. Wonderful really,” Alastor returned.

“What’s making everything so….special? Do you have a girlfriend? Should I be jealous?” Velvet purred.

“For your information, I have a boyfriend. And he’s from New York,” Alastor said.

“What’s his name?” Velvet asked. 

“Angel Dust,” Alastor answered.

“Oh….” Velvet said.

“What is it? Do you know him?” Alastor asked.

“No,” Velvet replied.

“Ah. Well, it had just sounded like you did,” Alastor said. 

“I gotta run. Nice chatting with you, Allie,” Velvet said, before hanging up.

The phone rang again, and Alastor sighed. “Vaggie, you can get it. If it’s Angel just pass it over,” he said.

Vaggie nodded and picked up the phone. “Oh hey, Nifty,” Vaggie said, causing her roommate to sigh again. “What’s that? You’re outside?” Vaggie asked, making Alastor panic.

Vaggie cracked open the door and looked down at the redhead. “Is Alastor here?” Nifty asked.

“Well, you know what….” Vaggie started, just before Alastor jumped head first out the window. “He just left,” she finished.

“Really?” Nifty asked, with wide, pleading eyes.

“Yeah. Sorry. Bye,” Vaggie said, before shutting the door.

Alastor was walking outside, trying to take his mind off of everything. Something flew past him, and he let out a sigh. “Excuse me, but I am not in the mood for this,” he said.

Whatever it was whizzed by him again, so Alastor held out a fist and punched it. To his surprise, a girl with bright pink hair and an eyepatch landed on the ground beside him. “You punched me in the boob! Get ready to fucking die!” she shouted.

“Dear, I am not in the mood. Perhaps we do this….some other time?” Alastor asked.

“Oh, I’d love to postpone, but I just cashed my last raincheck,” the girl replied.

“Are….are you referencing something I don’t understand?” Alastor asked.

“No! Now let’s do this thing!” she yelled.

“I am really not in the mood for this,” Alastor sighed.

“Fine, you big baby. I’ll see you later, but you won’t see me. I’ll be hella serious next time,” she said, before vanishing.

“I need genuine help,” Alastor muttered.

Moments later, Charlie got a call at the cafe. “Hi!” she smiled.

“It’s Alastor,” he said.

“What did he do this time?” Charlie asked.

“No dear, it’s actually me; Alastor,” he said.

“Oh, sorry about that! What did you do this time?” asked Charlie. 

“I didn’t do a thing! It’s the rest of the world that’s gone mad! I need to talk. Are you still working?” Alastor asked.

“I’m about to leave. Come in! I’ll meet you,” Charlie replied.

Alastor nodded and hung up, then headed inside the cafe. “May I please get a-?” he started, before realizing the blonde at the counter was Katie, not Charlie.

“Alastor Pilgrim!” she shouted.

“You! What have you done with my sister?” Alastor asked.

“She left early. Now what can I fucking get you?” Katie asked.

“Is there anyplace you don’t work?” Alastor asked.

“They're called jobs. Something I wouldn’t expect a son of a bitch like you to know anything about. And I can’t believe you asked out Angel when I TOLD you not to! What the hell do you have to say for yourself?” Katie asked. 

“May I have a black coffee?” Alastor asked.

“I think it's high fucking time you took a look in a mirror before you wreak havoc on another person,” Katie said.

“Me? I haven’t done anything like that!” Alastor exclaimed.

“Speaking of, I hear the bitch that tore up your heart and shat it out is back in New Orleans,” Katie continued.

“Alright, just shout for me when my coffee is finished,” Alastor said.

He turned to leave the line, and accidentally bumped into Angel. “Al!” Angel exclaimed, before pausing. “I’m sorry last night got a little crazy,” he said.

“That isn’t your fault! I just wondered what had happened to you. You did disappear,” Alastor said.

“Yeah, I do that sometimes. Listen, I know I can be...difficult to be around, and if ya don’t wanna hang out anymore, I get it,” Angel sighed.

“No! Darling, I adore spending time with you. Even if you had a thousand evil exes I would still love being around you. Nothing could come between us,” Alastor said, before he noticed something behind Angel. “OH DAMN IT!” he shouted.

Angel turned and saw a girl with black and pink pigtails, watching the two of them. “My ex….” Alastor muttered.

“The big one?” Angel asked, and Alastor could only nod.

“I’m gonna….get my coffee,” Angel said, before walking off.

“Your hair looks different,” Velvet said, as she looked Alastor over.

“Oh it does?” he asked, laughing nervously.

“So, that’s Angel?” Velvet asked.

“Yes,” Alastor answered.

“Alright, I’m jealous,” said Velvet.

“You’re jealous?” Alastor asked.

“Yeah. What’s wrong with that?” Velvet asked.

“You left me for that stuck up gentleman! If I can even call him that,” Alastor muttered.

“Allie, you haven’t even seen him,” Velvet said.

“Exactly! You left me for someone I’ve never seen!” Alastor returned.

“Maybe you will see him. We’re playing Lee’s Palace. You should come,” Velvet grinned.

“I will do nothing of the sort,” Alastor said.

“Great! I’ll put you on the list,” Velvet smiled, before she walked away.

“Black coffee for fucking Pilgrim!” Katie shouted. 

Alastor picked up his coffee, and once Angel got his, the two of them left together.


	9. Clash at Demonhead

Alastor and Angel were walking together, coffee cups in hand. “So that was ya…...big ex,” Angel muttered.

“Yes,” Alastor nodded.

“What happened with the two of ya?” Angel asked.

“In essentials, she wanted to move to Los Angeles since she missed her old friend, a gentleman who went by Vox,” Alastor started.

“And two weeks later ya found out they were fucking?” Angel asked.

“Right,” Alastor nodded.

“I dated a Vox once. Didn’t end so great either,” Angel said. 

“I can see how it hurts. To have the past come back to haunt you,” Alastor replied.

“Usually I try not to think about it,” said Angel.

“What would you like to think about?” Alastor asked.

“The air conditioner I got back at my place. Ya know, since it’s hot as hell out here,” Angel smiled.

“Ah I see. Shall we go then?” Alastor asked.

“Yep,” Angel smiled, before he kissed Alastor on the cheek.

That night, Alastor got finished telling that story at his house. “And you two still didn’t have sex? Are you straight?” Mimzy asked, sitting up in bed.

“I would have! I was feeling confident today, I just….well I couldn’t get Velvet out of my mind,” Alastor sighed, as he sat up as well. 

“Geez Al, ya life is a friggin soap opera,” Molly said, as she sat up next.

“Alastor, you shouldn’t let Velvet being back in town bother you this much. It isn’t over,” Vaggie said, sitting up as well. 

“Right!” Alastor nodded, as he got out of bed. “I shall not let her get inside of my mind. From this day forth, I shall think of Velvet Vincent no more!” he exclaimed. 

The next day, at band practice, Husk delivered some shocking news. “Listen up, Clash at Demonhead is doing a show tomorrow and Velvet wants us to open for them. And I said yes,” he said. 

“I despise you,” Alastor stated. 

“It’s just a gig. Put your history with Velvet aside for one fucking night,” Husk returned.

“Couldn’t we have our own secret show?” Alastor asked. 

“All of our shows are secret shows,” Rosie deadpanned. 

“We have to! V-Man might be there! The battle of the bands has its next round Tuesday, so we need to get buzz going!” Husk exclaimed.

Alastor sighed and sat beside Angel, then gently held his hand. What neither of them knew was that Nifty was watching from the window. “What would you do if your ex was in a band and you’d have to open for them?” Alastor sighed.

“If my ex was in a band? It’d be a little awkward, but it seems like the grown up thing to do,” Angel smiled. 

“Exactly! And we’re all adults here, aren’t we?” Alastor asked. 

Nifty was still outside, and after seeing Angel give Alastor a kiss on the cheek, she hurried to the store. “OMG! He’s dating some fucking skinny ass twink! I hate his stupid guts! I’m gonna tear out all those perfect teeth of his!” she ranted, as she grabbed a box of white hair dye. 

After that, Nifty headed back home and continued complaining to her friend Octavia. “He probably only likes him because he’s old! He’s probably twenty five or something! He’s just a skinny plastic son of a bitch!” she continued.

“I believe you mentioned he was skinny,” Octavia said, as Nifty led her to the bathroom. 

Soon Octavia was helping Nifty dye her hair, while the shorter girl kept talking. “He's got a head start! I didn't even know there WAS good music until like two months ago! Owie, this really burns!” she exclaimed.

“We should rinse,” Octavia replied. 

“I mean, Alastor knew I was cool but he thought I was too young, so he tried to find someone cool but old,” Nifty said. 

“Al’s boyfriend is cool? You’ve been complaining about him for twenty minutes,” said Octavia.

“Okay, he’s one of those people who thinks he’s cool. But it’s all his fault Alastor dumped me!” Nifty shouted. 

“Why?” Octavia asked.

“It has to be his fault! Alastor and I were made for each other!” Nifty replied.

“Alright, sure. Your hair is done,” Octavia said.

Nifty looked in the mirror, and her hair was now bright white like Angel’s. “Oh my gosh! I look….I look great!” she smiled. “Angel Dust stole my Alastor! But I know how to get him back,” she continued.

“How?” Octavia asked. 

Nifty said nothing, she just sent Arackniss a text, calling him hot. Octavia watched, then sighed. “Please don’t do anything stupid,” she said.

“Wouldn’t dream of it!” Nifty smiled.

Soon it was time for the Clash at Demonhead secret concert. Hunting Season gave their opening performance, and only Vaggie and Mimzy clapped when it was over. “Thanks, we are Hunting Season, and we have merch in the back if you give a shit,” Husk said. 

Soon the band was sitting around the bar with Angel. “Angel? Be honest, did we suck?” Husk asked.

“I dunno, did ya?” Angel grinned, before walking off.

“....he has to go. He knows we suck,” Husk said.

Angel was walking out of the bathroom, and he was face to face with Nifty. She looked up at him with white hair, a black leather jacket, and a pink mini skirt, exactly like what Angel had on. “Hi, Angel!” she smiled.

“Hey…” Angel replied, extremely confused. “What the hell?” he muttered, as he walked away.

Angel walked back over to the others, with Nifty following him and copying his movements. Alastor watched in confusion, then Nifty ran over to Arackniss and hugged him. “Hey,” Arackniss smiled.

“Hi! And hi, Alastor…” Nifty said, as she looked over at him.

“What the hell?” Alastor muttered. 

“Since when did those two do anything with each other?” Rosie asked.

“Who’s that girl again?” Angel asked.

“Al dated her,” Husk answered.

“Briefly!” Alastor added.

“How old is she?” Angel asked. 

Alastor quickly started thinking of what he could say. “I have to use the restroom!” Alastor exclaimed, before he hurried off.

Once he was finished, Clash at Demonhead was onstage, and they started to perform. Alastor’s eyes wandered to the bass player. He was a tall man with blue and black hair, and wore a simple red and black striped shirt. He tapped Angel on the shoulder and pointed the player out. “Do you see the man on the bass?” he asked. “That’s Vox,” he continued.

Angel looked him over, and gave a nod. “I know,” he replied.

“You know?” Alastor asked, before he pieced it together. “Oh no…” he said. Just then, Velvet began singing.

“Hello again  
Friend of a friend, I knew you when  
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end!” she sang, as Vox and Alastor locked eyes with one another.

“Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend  
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again!” Velvet continued, as Vox and Angel proceeded to stare at one another.

“I'll send you my love on a wire  
Lift you up, every time  
Everyone, ooh  
Pulls away, ooh  
From you!” Velvet sang. 

As the song continued, the crowd was going wild. Apart from Alastor and Angel, who stood there with looks of terror on their faces. Whatever was going to happen certainly wasn’t going to be good.


	10. Veganity Violation

After Clash at Demonhead’s performance, the members of Hunting Season were still sitting around the bar. “Why were they that good? HOW were they that fucking good?!” Husk asked.

“Weren’t they great?” Nifty smiled, still clinging to Arackniss.

“Yep,” he nodded.

“I believe I’m going to be sick,” Alastor muttered, just as Katie walked over.

“Velvet wants all of you shitheads backstage,” she said.

“All of us?” Alastor asked.

“Did I fucking stutter?” Katie returned, before hurrying off. 

The group started walking backstage, and Nifty tugged on Arackniss’s sleeve. “What’s going on? How do you guys know Velvet?” she asked.

“Al dated her,” Arackniss replied, causing a look of shock to appear on Nifty’s face.

Backstage, the members of Clash at Demonhead and Hunting Season were sitting across from one another, and tensions were running high. “Hey, Angel,” Vox said.

“Hi, Vox,” Angel replied.

“It’s been a while,” Vox said.

“Yep,” Angel nodded. He turned to Alastor and whispered in his ear, “I think we should go.” 

“So how was the tour? You’re basically a superstar now. What’s it like?” Katie asked. 

“Not something I can really put into words,” Velvet replied, not taking her eyes off of Angel and Alastor.

“Um...Velvet?” Nifty asked, causing everyone in the room to glare at her. “I read your blog!” she exclaimed.

Velvet didn’t say a word, she just turned her attention back to the couple across from her. “So...Alastor and Angel Dust,” she said.

“Yeah, and?” Angel asked.

“The two of you make a cute couple. You suit each other,” Velvet replied.

“I love your hair tonight, Velvet!” Nifty smiled, just happy to be in the same room as her favorite performer.

“Cute couple. That’s all I’m saying. I like your outfit, Angel. Affordable?” Velvet asked.

“Velvet! Did you get that top in New Yor-,” Katie started, before Velvet held a hand to the blonde’s face. 

“Shut the fuck up. I am talking to Angel right now,” she stated.

“Angel lived in New York,” Katie said.

“Oh did he? I was just there. Played the Chaos Theatre for Valentino. You know him, right?” Velvet smirked. 

Angel’s eyes widened, but before he could say anything, Nifty stood up and gasped. “I’ve kissed lips that kissed yours!” she shouted.

Velvet gave Vox a nod, then he got up and punched Nifty in the face. “Nifty!” Alastor exclaimed, as Arackniss rushed to the girl’s side. 

“What? I’m not afraid to hit a girl,” Vox said. He sat back down and slung an arm around Velvet. “I’m a rockstar,” he added.

“You punched the damn highlights out of her hair,” Arackniss said. It was true; Nifty’s hair was plain red again. 

“You’re so badass,” Velvet giggled, as Arackniss led Nifty out of the room.

“Why thank you, dollface,” Vox grinned.

“Umm….you guys doing anything fun while in town?” Katie asked.

“Fun? In New Orleans?” Vox asked, before laughing.

“That’s it! You cocky, narcissistic, filthy animal! You will pay for your crimes against humanity!” Alastor yelled.

He went to punch Vox in the face, but Vox telekinetically stopped Alastor’s hand. He held Alastor in midair, choking him. “My...my neck. Your….hair,” Alastor gasped, as Vox’s hair turned completely blue.

“Didn’t you know? Vox is vegan,” Velvet said, before Vox flung Alastor through the wall. 

Alastor shakily got up from the pile of trash bags he landed in. “Vegan?” he asked.

“It isn't a big deal,” Vox replied, as he stepped through the hole Alastor made in the wall.

“What’s your point? Anyone can be vegan!” Alastor exclaimed. 

“Ovo-lacto vegetarian maybe,” Vox shrugged.

“I beg your pardon?” Alastor asked. 

“For fuck’s sake, how dense are you? I avoid the meat, breastmilk and ovum of any creature that has a face,” Vox explained.

“Short answer, being vegan just makes you better than most people,” Velvet said.

“Hell yeah!” Vox nodded, before he punched Alastor, flinging him into the air. 

“Hey? How the hell does not eating dairy give you psychic powers?” Husk asked, while Alastor was still in the air.

“Well you see, you know how you only use ten percent of your brain? Well, it's because the other ninety percent is filled up with curds and whey,” Vox answered.

“Did they teach you that at vegan academy?” Rosie asked.

“Go ahead and laugh, sweetheart. If you knew the science, maybe I’d give a shit about your opinion,” said Vox, as Alastor finally landed.

Angel hurried to help him up. “Thank you,” Alastor said, as he dusted himself off. “Care to explain how you wound up dating this…..gentleman?” he asked. 

“Do ya really wanna know?” Angel returned.

“If there’s a key element in his backstory that can help me to survive, yes!” Alastor replied.

Angel paused for a moment, then sighed. “I was only dating Lucas Fizzaroli until the minute Vox walked by. I know that’s sorta a dick move, but I used to be kinda….like that. We hated everyone, we wrecked shit, nobody cared. He punched a hole in the moon for me. It was fucking crazy. A week and a half later, he told me his Dad was sending him to some freaky ass vegan school, so I dumped him,” he explained.

“Have you always been the one to end the relationship? No one’s ever broken up with you?” Alastor asked. 

“I used to be kind of an asshole. That's part of why I moved here. I wanted to leave it all behind me,” Angel sighed.

“Hey! He and I have unfinished business,” Vox said, as he stormed over. 

“He and me,” Alastor corrected.

“Don’t talk to me about grammar,” Vox said.

“I strongly dislike you. Understand?” Alastor asked.

“Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday,” Vox returned. 

“Pardon?” asked Alastor. 

“Because you'll be dust by Monday. Since I'll be pulverizing you in two seconds. And the cleaning lady...cleans up...dust. She dusts,” Vox explained. 

“Alright. Well then, what's on Monday?” Alastor asked. 

“You know, since it's Friday now and she has weekends off, so...Monday. Right?” Vox asked.

“Basically, you can’t win this fight and have to forget about that guy because Vox will kill you,” Velvet smiled. 

“You used to be so nice!” Alastor shouted, before charging towards her.

Vox pushed him back with a blast from his hands, launching the brunette back into the building. “Hey, Al? Rosie and I are grabbing pizza. Call us when you’re done. Good luck,” Husk said, before he and Rosie left.

Suddenly, a bass could be heard from inside the building. “What the hell is he doing?” Vox asked. 

He went inside and saw Alastor playing the bass, with a determined look on. Vox caught on, and he readied his own bass. The two of them started playing against one another, in their own bass battle. Since Alastor only played to help Husk with the band, he was a bit out of practice, and Vox managed to beat him. 

The force of Vox’s bass playing knocked Alastor off his feet, and he fell to the ground once again. Vox menacingly walked towards him, and once he was up close, Alastor noticed Vox’s eyes were glowing a bright red. “I can read your thoughts, so don’t try anything. You’re through,” he said.

Alastor said nothing, and quickly grabbed two cups of coffee. “Shall we drink to remember me? Fair trade blend with soymilk?” he asked.

“Please, I know you put half and half in one of those coffees so you could make me break vegan edge. I’ll take the one with soy,” Vox said, as he grabbed a cup. “Thanks, asshole,” he smiled, before drinking. 

“Actually sir, I poured soy in this cup, but I did think very hard about pouring it in yours!” Alastor exclaimed, as he sipped his coffee.

“What are you talking about?” Vox asked, as his eyes returned to normal.

“You just drank half and half, my friend,” Alastor grinned.

Just then, Millie and Moxxie, the Vegan Police, burst in. “Freeze! Vegan Police!” Millie shouted.

“Vox Ingram, you're under arrest for veganity violation code number 827, imbibement of Half & Half,” Moxxie stated. 

“That’s fucked!” Vox yelled.

“No vegan diet, no vegan powers!” Moxxie returned.

“This is just my first offense! Don’t I get three strikes?” Vox asked.

“At 12:27 a.m. on February 1st, you knowingly ingested gelato,” Millie said. 

“Gelato isn't vegan?” Vox asked. 

“Milk and eggs, bitch,” Moxxie replied.

“On April 4th, 7:30 p.m., you partook a plate of Chicken Parmesan,” Millie continued. 

“Chicken isn't vegan?” Vox asked. 

“The deveganizing ray! Hit him!” Moxxie shouted.

The two of them shot Vox with green lasers, draining him of his powers. Alastor stood before him, with a smug smile on his face. “You once were a vegone. Now you will be gone!” he exclaimed.

“....what the hell?” Vox asked.

Without another word, Alastor finished him with a headbut, and made him explode into coins. The vegan police left, and Velvet walked over. “Oh! Sorry about….all this,” Alastor said. 

“Sorry? You just headbutted my boyfriend so hard he fucking burst,” Velvet said. 

“Well, you chewed up my heart and spat it out, so I suppose we’re even, Clarissa,” Alastor replied. 

“Clarissa…...no one calls me that anymore,” Velvet said.

“Perhaps they should,” Alastor said, before turning to Angel. “Let’s be on our way, darling,” he said.

The two of them walked off, with Velvet watching as they left. To her surprise, Katie popped up beside her. “I just want to say, I’m very pissed off for you!” she said.

“Shut the fuck up, Katie,” Velvet returned.


	11. Bi-Furious

After Alastor defeated Vox, everyone was eating pizza in awkward silence, until Husk finally broke it. “So, you guys going to the afterparty?” he asked

“I don’t believe It’ll be much of a party. Not after one of the members exploded,” Rosie replied.

“No, cool bands never go to their own afterparties. Just desperate ones,” Husk explained.

“Then why would we….nevermind,” Rosie said.

“Arackniss, you in?” Husk asked.

Arackniss looked over from his table with Nifty in the corner. He simply shrugged and ate his pizza

“What about you, Al?” asked Husk, as he looked over at him.

“Do ya wanna go?” Angel asked. 

“I did narrowly survive moments ago…” Alastor said.

“I ain’t saying that I wanna go,” Angel replied.

“We can go if you like, darling!” Alastor exclaimed.

“I’ll do whatever ya wanna do,” Angel said.

“Then let’s be on our way!” Alastor smiled.

Soon the group headed to the afterparty, with Alastor and Angel lagging behind. “We really don’t gotta go to this shit. It'll probably be a bad scene all around and we've already had a big night,” Angel said.

“Dear, I’m alright. It’s just…..” Alastor started, before taking a breath. “Have you ever been with someone who wasn’t a despicable human being?” he asked.

“So far ya doing great,” Angel answered.

“What do you mean by that?” Alastor asked.

“That ya the nicest guy I’ve dated,” Angel smiled. 

“That’s good, isn’t it?” Alastor asked.

“Yep. Exactly what I need right now,” Angel replied, as he held Alastor’s hand.

Alastor returned the gesture, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how Angel had said ‘right now’. He started to wonder if he would be what Angel needed later, or if Alastor would just wind up on his boyfriend’s list of exes.

The group finally reached the afterparty and headed inside. “And for the record, I know Vox was bad news, but are ya saying Velvet wasn’t? Everybody’s got baggage,” Angel shrugged.

“Yes, well my baggage doesn’t attempt killing me every five minutes,” Alastor replied. “What on Earth did you do to make your exes so insane?” he asked.

“No break up is painless. Someone gets hurt no matter what. Like ya and Nifty. Who dumped who?” Angel asked.

“I….well I broke up with her,” Alastor answered. 

“And was she cool with that?” Angel asked.

“Of course! She’s with Arackniss now!” Alastor exclaimed. The couple walked past Nifty and Arackniss at that moment, and Nifty was staring at Alastor longingly. “She’s very mature for her age. It was a healthy break up, and she and I are perfectly fine!” he continued, not noticing Nifty’s stare.

“Uh huh. What about Rosie?” Angel asked.

“Me and Rosie? I can hardly remember! It was high school. Things were different,” Alastor replied, as he and Angel passed by Rosie, who stared at Alastor like she wanted to kill him.

“That’s it?” Angel asked, crossing his arms.

Alastor rolled his eyes. “Well if you must know, I had to kill a man to be worthy of her! I fought a wild, eighty foot tall, purple suited monster! And I had to fight a thousand soldiers to get to him, too! He was flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes! He was completely mad and I kicked him so far he saw the curvature of the earth! Does that make you feel any better?” Alastor said, his tone dripping with sarcasm.

“Well now ya sound like a complete ass. Welcome to the club,” Angel muttered.

Alastor was about to say something, but then he saw his reflection in the back glass of the bar. He had bright red hair and eyes, and a sinister looking smile. Alastor blinked a few times, and his reflection seemed normal. “Angel, I’m sorry. I’m not usually like this,” he said.

“It’s okay. I dunno what I’m like anymore,” Angel replied.

“I suppose this evil ex boyfriend ordeal is getting to my head,” said Alastor.

“Exes,” Angel corrected.

“Yes, right. However you like to phrase-,” Alastor began.

Before he could finish, Alastor was kicked in the head, and landed on the ground. He looked up, and saw the girl with an eyepatch standing over him. “Girl from earlier?” Alastor asked. 

“Cherri?” Angel asked.

“You know one another?” Alastor asked.

“Boy, does he know me,” Cherri smirked.

“What is she talking about?” Alastor asked.

“You really didn’t tell him?” Cherri asked.

“Wait….” Alastor started, before he finally connected the dots. “You and her? I thought you just liked men!” he exclaimed. 

“I do! Look, at the start of it all, Cherri Richter was my best friend. After Vox, I felt like experimenting, and since she was already my friend, I figured she’d be the best person to start something with. So she and I tried being a couple. We screwed once, and I realized I was definitely gay,” Angel explained.

“Really?” Alastor asked.

“Yeah! Look, it was a phase, it meant nothing,” replied Angel.

“It meant NOTHING?” Cherri shouted.

“I was just kinda bi-curious,” Angel said.

“Well, I’m kinda bi-furious!” Cherri yelled.

She went to kick Alastor in the face, but Angel caught her foot in his hand, stopping the impact. Cherri flipped out of his hand and landed back on the ground. “Fuck with Alastor, and I’ll kill ya,” Angel said. 

“Back off, bitch! If Valentino can’t have you, no one can. The League has spoken!” Cherri shouted, as she pulled out a whip.

“Well, ya best tell Valentino to get his pretentious ass down here, cause I’m about to kick ya up to the Great White North,” Angel replied, as he grabbed a massive hammer from his purse.

The two of them started fighting, and ended up smashing the disco ball as they did. Alastor was watching with the rest of the crowd, with a bewildered look on his face. “Vaggie?” he asked. “Is this really happening?”

“Yep,” Vaggie nodded. “Angel! Kick her in the baby maker!” she yelled.

Cherri and Angel were still in the middle of heated combat, only neither of them had any fatal hits. Cherri managed to wrap her whip around Angel’s hammer, catching him by surprise. “I’m sending you back to Valentino in a thousand pieces, you asshole!” she stated, before flinging the hammer out the window.

Angel narrowed his eyes and kicked Cherri in the face, causing her to hit the ground. “I’m never going back to Val, he’s a dick and ya know it. Cherri, I never meant to hurt ya, but ya went and turned into a massive bitch. Frankly, the seven of ya deserve each other,” he said.

“Cram it, Angie! This is a League game,” Cherri said, before getting up. “Your precious Alastor has to defeat me himself!” she continued, pointing a finger at Angel’s boyfriend.

“Mother had always taught me to be chivalrous. I couldn’t bring myself to hit a woman!” Alastor exclaimed.

“Sorry, but ya don’t got a choice,” Angel replied. 

Cherri charged towards Alastor, and Angel quickly ran behind him. The two began fighting, with Angel puppeteering Alastor through the combat. “Fight your own battles, dipshit!” Cherri growled, before disappearing in a puff of smoke. 

She reappeared in between Alastor and Angel, separating the two. Cherri punched Alastor, making him land hard on the floor. “Every pilgrim reaches the end of his journey. Some sooner than others,” she said, before raising her leg to kick him. “Your BF is about to get F’ed in the B!” she shouted.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion, as Alastor braced for impact. “Al! Her weakness is the back of her knee!” Angel yelled.

“What? How does that work?” Alastor asked.

“That one time when we were making out I-,” Angel started.

“Nevermind!” Alastor exclaimed.

Cherri was about to bring down her leg, but Alastor reached up and tapped the back of her knee. “Woah…” Cherri breathed, before falling to the ground. 

Alastor and Angel watched as she lied there, giggling and breathing heavily. “You’ll never...be able to do this….to Angel!” Cherri yelled. She screamed in ecstasy before bursting into a pile of coins.

Everyone at the party chose not to acknowledge what just happened, so they all went back to talking. Alastor hurried over to the bar, and Angel followed him. “Al?” he asked.

“Two shots of whiskey, please,” Alastor said to the bartender.

“I thought ya didn’t drink,” Angel said.

“Only on certain occasions. Would you like something?” Alastor asked.

“Nah,” Angel replied, before an awkward pause. “Guess we don’t know that much about each other, do we?” he asked.

“Perhaps you could give me a list of all your exes. So I could know who was going to try and obliterate me next,” Alastor said, the alcohol in his system already taking effect.

“Oh, ya mean like a fucking laminate or something? Let me see if I can find one. Maybe we could exchange our information,” Angel said, as Alastor downed his second drink.

“Now, just out of sheer curiosity for my mortal well-being, is there anyone at this party you haven’t slept with?” he asked.

Angel’s eyes widened. He looked hurt, then let out a sigh. “I think we should split,” he said.

“As in leave the party or….break up?” Alastor asked.

“I hoped ya would figure that out. Or did ya forget the part where i saved ya ass?” asked Angel. 

“How could I forget? It feels as though we washed our sexy laundry in public,” Alastor said.

“Dirty laundry. Ya drunk,” Angel returned.

“I’ve barely had anything to drink,” Alastor replied, as he sipped what was left in his glass.

“Well I’m sorry I cared! I don’t like all of this shit, Al. I’m sick of it. I just thought ya would be more understanding,” Angel said, before turning to walk away.

“Angel!” Alastor called.

“No! Ya just another evil ex waiting to happen,” Angel said, before he walked off.

Husk walked over and put a hand on Alastor’s shoulder. “Sorry, Al,” he said.

Just then, Angel walked back over. Alastor brightened up for a second, but Angel shoved a piece of paper in his hands. “Here’s ya dumbass list,” he said, before walking away again.

Alastor sighed, then read down the list. “Matthew Pentious, Lucas Fizzaroli, Vox Ingram, Cherri Richter….who on earth are Razzle and Dazzle?” he asked.

“You don’t know?!” Husk exclaimed. When Alastor shook his head, Husk sighed. “I’ll tell you later. Want me to just give you a ride back to your place?” he asked.

“Yes please,” Alastor nodded.

Shortly after that, Husk drove Alastor back to his house. After the day he had, Alastor fell asleep the minute he hit the mattress.


	12. Razzle and Dazzle

The next day, at band practice, Husk held up a photo of some twins. One had dyed pink hair, and the other was a redhead. “Razzle and Dazzle. The next band in the battle, and a couple of little shits,” he explained.

“Angel dated twins?” Rosie asked.

“At the same time?” Arackniss asked.

“You know something? I don’t know, nor can I bring myself to care,” Alastor stated, angrily strumming his bass.

“Good. You know how I feel about distractions,” Husk replied.

“That won’t be an issue,” Alastor said.

“If you’re sure. Arackniss could fill in if you want though,” Husk said. 

“It’s alright. You know bands, I know battles, we have it under control,” Alastor returned.

“Just saying, we’d understand if you didn’t wanna take part,” Husk explained.

“Oh….not only do I want to take part…” Alastor began, before he abruptly stopped strumming. “I want to take them apart,” he finished, a hint of a smile on his face.

“Okay. Just….don’t do anything fucking crazy,” Husk groaned.

“When have I ever?” Alastor asked.

“Well, I’m not answering that,” Rosie said.

Later, the group went to the battle. “We are fucking screwed,” Husk said, as he looked at the flyers for the battle. 

“Could they have used any more exclamation points?” Rosie muttered. 

“We’re dead!” Husk exclaimed. 

“I hate to interrupt this….conversation, but you guys are onstage in five,” Arackniss said.

“I thought that Razzle and Dazzle were going on first?” Alastor asked.

“I think you’re both on first,” Arackniss replied, as he pointed out where the poster said ‘amp vs amp’.

“Amp vs amp?! We go on at the same time?” Husk asked. 

“That’s impossible!” Alastor exclaimed.

Actually, it wasn’t impossible. There were two stages on opposite sides of the auditorium. One was for the twins and the other was for Hunting Season. “I stand corrected,” Alastor said. 

“We shouldn’t be here. We can’t do this!” Husk shouted.

“Excuse you!” Alastor yelled, before punching Husk in the face. “I put my problems aside for the band!” he continued, before punching him again. “If I can do that, we can do anything,” he finished.

“Did you talk to Angel then?” Rosie asked. 

“What? No, we haven’t spoken since the party,” Alastor answered.

“Oh. Well he’s here,” said Rosie, before she pointed out Angel in the audience. “Alastor, not that it’s any of my business, but you should talk to him before he’s gone,” she added.

“Thank you, Rosie,” Alastor said.

“But I truly don’t care,” Rosie replied.

Alastor looked at Angel in the crowd. He noticed him talking to a tall man with dark hair. Once the man turned, Alastor noticed he had on cheap looking heart shaped sunglasses. The two stared at one another, but before Alastor could say a word, Razzle and Dazzle appeared on their stage.

Razzle and Dazzle shared a look with one another, and Razzle played a single note on his keyboard. Husk looked around frantically at his bandmates. “Alright, we can do this,” he said. 

“Yes!” Rosie nodded.

“Al? Al!” Husk shouted, trying to get his distracted friend’s attention.

The twins looked at each other once again, and played another few notes, sending enormous waves of sound towards their opponents, and causing the lighting rig to fall from the ceiling.

Alastor glared at Razzle and Dazzle, then he grabbed the microphone. “We are Hunting Season and we’re here to make you think about death and get angry and things!” he shouted.

The band began to perform, their sound blasting waves toward Razzle and Dazzle. The twins turned their amps up to eleven, and manifested a massive dragon. The dragon flew towards Hunting Season, and blasted them with wind. The group was knocked off their feet, and the dragon vanished.

“Let’s quit now. We fucked up in front of Valentino Vernon,” Husk groaned.

“Valentino is here?! Where?” Alastor gasped. 

“That douchebag next to your boyfriend,” Rosie replied.

“THAT’S Valentino?!” Alastor asked, as he looked at the man next to Angel again. “Let’s finish this,” Alastor growled, as he grabbed his bass and got back up.

The other band members followed suit, and began playing music again. Razzle and Dazzle summoned their dragon, and Hunting Season summoned their own monster to fight back. 

As the bands performed, their monsters fought in time to the music. It all ended when Hunting Season’s monster picked up the dragon and launched it towards Razzle and Dazzle, causing them and their amps to explode into coins. 

“Oh, we actually did it,” Rosie said.

A floating, digital head appeared next to Alastor, and he swiped at it. “Al, the hell are you doing?” Husk asked.

“Getting a life,” Alastor replied, before he headed off the stage and into the cheering crowd. 

Alastor didn’t find Angel and Valentino, but he spotted Nifty in a plain grey sweater, with a nervous smile on her face. “I just came to see your show,” she said. 

“Oh….alright,” Alastor replied, before he caught a flash of white hair leaving the building. “Angel!” he called, before leaving Nifty to follow him.

Alastor spotted Angel outside next to a limo, and ran over to him. “Angel! I must tell you something!” he exclaimed.

“Yeah, I gotta tell ya something too,” Angel replied.

“Perfect. Angel, I know you just play aloof and whatnot to avoid getting hurt. I know you have reasons for not wanting to talk about your past, and I should have respected that. But I want you to know, I don't care about any of those things. You could never do anything to make me hate you. I lesb-,” he began, about to say “lesbians” before catching himself. “Love you Angel. More than anything,” Alastor explained.

“Oh…..okay,” Angel returned.

“Now, what did you want to tell me?” Alastor asked.

“That I think….I think we should break up,” Angel answered. 

Alastor felt his heart shatter at those words. “What do you mean?” he asked. 

“It’s Val. I just...can’t help myself around him,” Angel explained, as Valentino strutted over.

“That’s the bad news,” he said, as Alastor’s bandmates walked over as well. “The good news is, I love your little band. Mating Season,” Valentino continued, as he slung an arm around Angel.

“It’s Hunting Season,” Alastor corrected.

“Three piece rock outfit with a sexy guitarist? Music to my ears. You know, I'm not even going to wait to see how you guys do in the final. I'm signing you right now for a three album deal,” Valentino said, as he pulled out a contract and pen. “See? I’m not such a bad guy after all,” he grinned.

Alastor grabbed the contract and threw it to the ground. “You really think we’re going to sell our souls to you?” he asked. He looked down and saw Husk grabbing and signing the contract, then passing it to Rosie. “Well, I cannot be a part of the band with this….gentleman in charge,” Alastor said, glaring at Valentino.

“Alastor. Can I call you Al? Al, can I just say, keep your fucking emotions in check. Don't let what's past ruin your future,” Valentino replied, a smug smile on his face.

“Please Alastor? The people have to hear us!” Husk exclaimed.

“Then you need to find someone else to play bass,” Alastor replied.

Just then Arackniss walked over, Alastor’s bass in hand. “I mean….I can,” he said, before signing the contract as well.

“Looks like we are all set,” Valentino smiled. “Oh and Alastor, we should really be thanking each other. I mean, if it wasn't for me, you would have never been with Angel, but if it wasn't for you, he wouldn't be back with me. So I guess it all works out,” he said, before turning to Angel. “After you, baby,” he said. 

Angel sat down in the limo, and Valentino shut the door. “Also, Al! Just between the two of us, the whole….League of Evil Exes, I was in a very dark place when I formed that. No hard feelings?” asked Valentino.

Before Alastor could answer, Valentino stepped into the limo, and he and Angel drove off. The band walked off, but Alastor stayed behind, gazing at the limousine as it drove off. “I almost said lesbians,” he muttered.


	13. The Chaos Theatre

After Angel and Valentino left together, Alastor was sitting on a swing in the park, regretting everything he had done to drive Angel away. Charlie walked over, and sat on the swing beside him. “Alastor. Was he really the one?” she asked.

“Pardon?” Alastor asked.

“Did you really see a future with this guy?” Charlie asked.

“I….well I had hoped,” Alastor answered.

Charlie got off her swing and sighed. “Time heals all wounds. Maybe next time, don’t date the guy with eleven evil exes,” she said.

“Seven,” Alastor corrected.

“Oh. Well, that isn’t as bad,” Charlie shrugged. “Al, just….good luck,” she said.

“Thank you, dear,” Alastor said.

Charlie gave him a reassuring smile, then she walked away, leaving Alastor on the swing.

Later that night, Alastor went home and turned on the light. What he saw caused him, Vaggie, and the girl in bed with her to scream. “TURN OFF THE FUCKING LIGHT!” Vaggie shouted, as Alastor quickly did so.

“Presumably, you just saw some girl’s boobs. And I apologize for that,” Vaggie said.

“Yes….was this Mimzy, Molly, or someone else?” Alastor asked.

“Someone else,” Vaggie answered.

“Crymini!” said an unfamiliar voice.

Soon, once Vaggie and Crymini were dressed, the lights went back on, and Vaggie handed Alastor a cup of black coffee. “Alastor, you know I love you...deep, deep down, but I need my own bed tonight. For sex,” Vaggie explained.

“Alright,” Alastor nodded.

“I may need it for the rest of the week too. And the year,” Vaggie added.

“I see,” Alastor sighed.

“Maybe you could move in with Angel?” Vaggie asked.

“He’s with Valentino,” Alastor stated.

“Oh shit. Well….maybe it’s just cause he’s better than you,” Vaggie replied.

“Perhaps,” Alastor muttered.

“Either way, this fight is over,” Vaggie said.

Just then, the phone rang. Crymini picked it up, then she handed it to Vaggie. “It’s for Alastor,” she said.

Vaggie took the phone and handed it to Alastor. “Hello?” Alastor asked.

“Hello, Al,” replied Valentino. “I feel awful about earlier. I didn’t want any hard feelings, so I decided to be the bigger man and give you a call,” he explained.

“Is Angel Dust with you?” Alastor asked.

“I don’t know….” Valentino said, before turning to Angel. “Are you with me, Angel Cakes?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Angel nodded.

The two of them heard Alastor scream into the phone. “Oh relax! Plenty of fish in the sea,” Valentino said.

“No, I spilled coffee all over myself,” Alastor replied, as he reached for napkins to clean up.

“Whatever you say. Well as you know, I'm opening a new Chaos Theatre in New Orleans and Open Season is playing our grand opening tonight, and it would be so unfortunate if you weren't there. They just did a sound check and the acoustics in here are amazing,” Valentino said.

“Well, then maybe I shall see you there,” Alastor returned. 

“I hope so, Allie. I don’t want anymore bad blood between exes. Now, I have to go. See you soon,” Valentino said, before hanging up. 

What Alastor didn’t know was that Vaggie had been eavesdropping the entire time. “Damn….what a perfect asshole. Forget what I said earlier. Finish him, Alastor,” Vaggie said.

Alastor nodded, then he set off. When he made it to the Chaos Theatre, he was stopped by a man named Tom Trench. “What’s the password?” Trench asked.

“Whatever,” Alastor said, through gritted teeth.

“Alright, cool,” Tom replied, before letting Alastor in.

Alastor walked down a hall, before he was stopped by two girls named Dia and Summer. “Second password?” Dia asked.

Alastor crossed his arms and stared at the two of them, then Summer nodded. “Alright,” she said.

The two of them stepped aside, and Alastor went in an elevator. He descended into the Chaos Theatre. He looked around, and the first thing he saw was his former bandmates performing onstage, now with Arackniss on bass.

Husk, Rosie, and Arackniss stopped playing the minute they saw Alastor walk in. “Al! Let it go. Don’t give him the satisfaction,” Husk said.

“What if I want the satisfaction?” Alastor asked.

“Then you’re fucked,” Husk replied.

“Alastor Pilgrim!” a voice called.

Alastor looked up and saw Valentino sitting on a throne on top of a black velvet pyramid, and Angel was kneeling at his side. “Hello! Welcome to the Chaos Theatre! Care for a drink? Dr. Pepper, right?” Valentino asked.

A waitress walked over with a glass of Dr. Pepper on a tray, and Alastor smacked it out of her hands. “I’m not here to drink,” Alastor stated.

“Relax. I have no grudge against you,” Valentino said.

“Well, perhaps I have one against you!” returned Alastor, as he walked closer to the pyramid.

“Are you still pissed about the thing with the Guild?” Valentino groaned.

“You mean the League?” Alastor corrected. 

“Guild, League, same difference! It’s ancient history now,” Valentino smirked, as he ran a hand through Angel’s hair.

“I’ll show you how ancient it is!” Alastor shouted.

“No use crying over spilled soda, Allie. The boy made his choice,” Valentino said, before he draped an arm around Angel. “We all just have to move on,” he continued.

“Well, I’m not moving…..Vallie,” said Alastor, in the most serious tone he could muster.

“You want to fight me for him?” Valentino asked.

“Was that not clear?” Alastor asked.

Valentino chuckled and got up from his throne. “And why the fuck would you want to do that?” he asked.

“Because I’m in love with him,” Alastor answered.

Angel and Alastor locked eyes, then a flaming red sword appeared in Alastor’s hand. He earned the power of love. 

“I think this deserves a song,” Valentino grinned. “ROSEMARY!” he shouted, pointing at Hunting Season.

Rosie sighed and flipped him off. “We are Hunting Season. We are here to make money and sell out and things,” she said, before the band launched into a fast paced song.

Valentino sent dozens of guards to attack Alastor, but he used his flaming sword to slash through them with ease. Once he was finished with them, Alastor ran up the steps of the pyramid. Valentino seemed undeterred, and he unsheathed a sword from his cane. Alastor and Valentino’s swords clash together, but Alastor’s shattered into hundreds of pieces. 

He fell to the ground, and Valentino began triumphantly walking towards him. “Your club is obnoxious by the way,” Alastor said. 

“If my cathedral of cutting edge taste holds no interest for your tragically old fashioned sensibilities, then I shall grant you a swift exit from the premises. And fast entrance into hell!” Valentino shouted.

He prepared to bring the sword down on Alastor, but nearby shouting caught him off guard. Nifty sailed through the air and kicked the sword out of Valentino’s hands. Unfortunately, she landed awkwardly and tumbled down the side of the pyramid in the process. “Nifty?!” Alastor asked, while Valentino laughed at her fall.

“You’ll pay for what you did to him!” Nifty shouted.

“Listen, ladybug, your old old boyfriend brought this all on himself,” Valentino said.

“I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to him!” Nifty yelled, pointing towards Angel.

“....the fuck?” Angel asked.

“You broke the heart that broke mine. Now I’m going to break you!” Nifty screamed, before leaping up the pyramid, swords in hand. 

Angel fought defensively, using Valentino’s cane to block Nifty’s attacks without harming her. “Ya gotta be kidding me,” he muttered.

As they fought, Alastor and Valentino watched from the bottom of the pyramid. “Well, you can’t say I don’t know how to put on a show,” Valentino grinned. Shortly after, he and Alastor began fighting again. 

“What the hell is ya deal?!” Angel shouted, still locked in combat with Nifty.

“You stole him from me! With your New York slut technology!” Nifty yelled.

“I got no idea what ya talking about, ya crazy bitch! I didn’t steal anybody!” Angel returned. 

Alastor finally managed to knock Valentino off the pyramid, then he ran over to his dueling exes. “Could we please stop all of this fighting!?” he shouted, causing them to stop. “No one stole anyone. Nifty, I dated you and then I dated Angel,” he explained. “Of course...I do regret not exactly….telling Nifty initially….” he muttered.

“You...you cheated on me, Alastor?” Nifty asked, her eyes wide. “You cheated on both of us?”

“Ya cheated on me with Nifty?” Angel asked.

“No! Of course not! I more...cheated on Nifty with you per say,” Alastor replied.

“Is there a fucking difference?” Angel asked, more hurt than he wanted to let on.

“You weren’t wronged? Weren’t you?” Alastor asked.

Before anyone could say another word, Valentino plunged his sword through Alastor’s chest. “The show’s over,” he said. 

Everyone gasped in shock, and Alastor fell to the ground. “Allie….you can cheat on these people all you want. But you can’t cheat death,” Valentino stated.

When Alastor opened his eyes, he was in the desert from his dream. Just like that night, the only people there were him and Angel. “I’m sorry. Dying has to suck,” Angel said.

“Not as bad as the fact that I was killed by that monster. Why him, Angel?” Alastor asked.

“It’s complicated,” Angel answered. 

“It isn’t as if I’m going anywhere. Now may be a good time to discuss it,” Alastor replied.

Angel paused a moment, then he let out a small sigh. “The truth is, it was me who was obsessed. I was crazy about him. But he ignored me. I was more alone when we were together than I ever was on my own. And when he did give me any attention, it was more like a toy than a boyfriend. That's why I had to leave….and that's when he started paying attention,” he explained.

“Then why go back?” Alastor asked.

“I can’t help myself around him, Al. He has a way of getting in my head,” Angel answered.

“That’s disappointing. I suppose I’ll leave you be then,” Alastor sighed.

“Nah, he literally has a way of getting in my head,” Angel replied.

He turned around and lifted some of his hair, revealing a chip with a V on it on the back of his neck. “He basically owns me,” Angel whispered.

“That is despicable….” Alastor said with disgust, just as Angel turned back around. 

“I didn’t mean for ya to get dragged into this, Alastor. I just wanted something nice. When I was with ya….I actually...I actually felt loved. Like I never did with anybody before,” Angel said, before he wiped a few tears. “I’m sorry it had to end this way,” he sighed. 

“I really fought for you. I’ll love you forever, Angel,” Alastor replied.

“I love ya to, Al….but maybe I’m not the one ya shoulda been fighting for,” Angel returned, before he faded away.

“I feel as if I learned something. Which would be brilliant if I wasn’t dead,” Alastor said, before slumping to the ground.

Suddenly he remembered Angel’s voice on their first meeting ‘Ya not alone’. Alastor looked, and the extra life from earlier was floating beside him. “Right!” Alastor exclaimed, before grabbing it.

The extra life magically sent Alastor back to the beginning of the night. This was his last chance, and he was going to make it count.


	14. Game Over

Alastor stormed over to the Chaos Theatre, this time with a fire in his eyes. He saw Tom Trench at the door. “Password?” Tom asked.

“I won’t answer to a sniveling little brat like you. And your hair looks atrocious this evening,” Alastor stated.

His word caused Tom to explode into coins, and Alastor passed him. He headed down the hall and spotted Dia and Summer. “Second password?” Dia asked.

Alastor didn’t answer, and he punched them both in the face, causing them to explode into coins. Alastor went down the elevator and into the club. 

Just like last time, the first thing he saw was his old band performing. The group abruptly stopped playing and looked at him. “Al! Let it go!” Husk shouted. 

“Don’t worry about me. I know what I’m doing. Husker, the new lineup is perfect, you sound far better without me,” Alastor said.

“Really?” Husk asked.

“Yes, I only ever joined since you were my friend. I didn’t even know how to play prior to you asking me. Arackniss, you’re much better than I ever was,” Alastor said.

“Damn...thanks,” Arackniss replied.

“And Rosie,” Alastor said, as he looked towards her. “I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry about me,” he sighed.

Rosie smiled slightly, but just then, they heard shouting. “Alastor Pilgrim!”

Alastor saw Valentino on his throne with Angel by his side, and Valentino was wearing that same smug grin. “Hello! Welcome to the Chaos Theatre!” he said.

“Don’t waste your breath! You’re pretentious, your club is garbage, and I have problems with you. So...shall we?” Alastor asked.

“Wait, back up a second. You want to fight me for him?” Valentino asked.

“No. I want to fight you for me!” Alastor exclaimed.

At that moment, a flaming blue sword appeared in his hands. Alastor earned the power of self respect. “Rosie!” Alastor shouted.

Rosie smiled and got the idea. “WE ARE HUNTING SEASON AND WE ARE HERE TO WATCH ALASTOR PILGRIM KICK YOUR SORRY ASS!” she yelled, before the band started playing.

Alastor effortlessly slashed through the guards, then he ran up the side of the pyramid, just as Valentino was unsheathing his sword.

The two leapt up, their swords clashing together, and Alastor knocked Valentino off the pyramid. “How are things down there?” Alastor asked.

“You….dick,” Valentino muttered.

“Now…..Nifty! I know you’re here! Please don’t atta-,” Alastor started.

He was cut off by Nifty rushing in and kicking Angel in the face, knocking him to the ground. “Steal my boyfriend, taste my steel!” Nifty shouted.

She prepared to bring her swords down on Angel, but her swords were blocked by Alastor’s. “Enough!” he yelled.

Alastor grabbed Nifty’s wrists, then she kicked him in the face. “Oh! Sorry, Al! But NO! This motherfucking twink hurt me, and I want my revenge!” the girl exclaimed. 

“No Nifty! I hurt you. I cheated on you. I cheated on the both of you. I’m so so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone. Are….are you both alright?” Alastor asked. 

Angel put a hand to the back of his neck and shut off the chip. “Never better,” he smiled. 

“Excuse me?!” Valentino shouted. “Are you done with hugging and learning? I thought we had a fight going on!” he continued. 

“Oh, you’ve certainly got yourself a fight,” Alastor stated, as the two of them got into position.

“Wrong move, Allie,” Valentino grinned, as he drew a glowing sword.

The two of them began dueling. Valentino knocked Alastor to the ground, but before he could do any damage, Nifty used her swords to block his, and knocked him off balance in the process. “You made me swallow my gum. It’ll be in my fucking digestive system for seven years!” Valentino shouted.

Soon Alastor and Nifty were both fighting against Valentino, while Angel watched from the sidelines. Valentino knocked Nifty off the side of the pyramid, and the girl was clinging onto the ledge. 

Alastor slashed Valentino’s cheek, but when their swords collided again, Alastor’s shattered. Angel slowly walked over and put a hand on Valentino’s shoulder. “I knew it. You’re still my baby,” Valentino grinned.

“Let’s both be babies,” Angel replied, before he kneed Valentino in the crotch.

While Valentino recoiled in pain, Nifty grabbed his sword. Valentino glared at Angel and punched him in the face, sending him to the ground. The second Angel was on the ground, Valentino kicked him down the side of the pyramid. 

Valentino turned and saw Nifty and Alastor glaring at him. “What are you looking at?” he asked.

The two of them said nothing, and wasted no time to start fighting him. The pair managed to beat Valentino to the ground, and he started chuckling to himself and coughing up coins. 

“Who do you think you are, Pilgrim? You think you’re better than me? All you are is a pain in my ass! Do you even know how took to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this fucking league? Like two hours! You're not cool enough for Angel. You're nothing. But I’m something. I'm what's happening. I'm blowing up right now,” Valentino said. 

“You’re right about two things. I’m not good enough for Angel. And You are blowing up….right now!” Alastor yelled. He kicked Valentino’s head, and he exploded into a burst of coins. The only thing that didn’t dissolve were the heart shaped sunglasses, which landed by Angel’s feet.

“There goes our deal,” Rosie said.

“We aren’t getting paid?!” Husk exclaimed, before he frantically started picking up coins. 

Alastor and Nifty walked down the pyramid, meeting Angel at the bottom. “The two of ya make a good combo,” he said. 

Alastor shrugged, before hearing Valentino’s glasses call out to him. “Alastor…..Pilgrim,” they whispered.

Alastor curiously picked up the glasses. “You can defeat me, Alastor….but can you defeat….yourself?” they asked.

Alastor turned and saw the strange version of himself he saw the other night. Bright red hair, eyes, and an evil smile. “Holy crap…..that’s like….demon Al or something!” Nifty exclaimed.

Nifty and Angel assumed fighting positions as the demon Alastor walked towards them. “No! This is something I need to face alone,” Alastor said, before walking towards his demon counterpart. 

After that, Angel and Nifty were waiting for Alastor outside. The door opened, and they saw Alastor and his demon self casually walking out. “They have the most brilliant gumbo,” Alastor said.

“Oh do they?” the demon asked.

“Yes! Possibly the best shrimp gumbo I’ve had in my life!” Alastor smiled.

“We should go and get some! Perhaps the same day we go to the theatre?” the demon asked.

“Sounds wonderful! Farewell, my friend,” Alastor said. 

He and the demon shook hands and parted ways. “What happened in there?” Nifty asked. 

“Oh, nothing really. We just talked. He is quite a pleasant gentleman. We’re meeting for lunch next week,” Alastor replied. 

Just then, Alastor noticed Angel walking away. “Wait, you’re leaving?” Alastor asked. 

“I think I oughta disappear,” Angel answered.

“After everything that’s happened?” Alastor asked.

“It’s hard, y’know? I came to get away, but the past keeps catching up. I hate people getting hurt cause of me,” Angel sighed.

“Don’t worry about me, dear! I’ll be alright,” Alastor said.

“I didn’t mean just ya,” Angel replied, looking over at Nifty.

“I understand,” Alastor nodded.

“I wanna thank ya though,” Angel said.

“Whatever for?” Alastor asked.

“For being the nicest guy I dated,” Angel smiled.

“That’s….a bit sad,” said Alastor.

“It is kinda sad. Bye, Al. I’ll never forget ya,” Angel said.

“I’ll never forget you either, mon Ange. Goodbye,” Alastor replied.

Angel gave one last sad smile, then he walked off. “Go get him,” Nifty said.

“Pardon?” Alastor asked.

“You’ve been fighting for him all along,” Nifty said.

“But what about you?” Alastor asked.

“I’ll be okay,” Nifty answered, before kissing him on the cheek. “I’m too cool for you anyway,” she teased.

“Farewell, Nifty,” Alastor said.

“Just go,” Nift smiled.

Angel was still walking, and Alastor hurried to catch up with him. “Angel! Would you mind if I came along?” he asked.

“Ya wanna come with me?” Angel asked.

“Of course! I hoped that perhaps….we could try again,” Alastor replied.

Angel smiled, and gently held Alastor’s hand. A door with a star on it appeared in front of them, and they walked through it together. They had no idea what the future held, but they’d have one another no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that ends another parody! I hope you all liked it! I’m thinking Corpse Bride, Lilo and Stitch, the Road to El Dorado, or Austin Powers next, but I would love to hear any suggestions! Thanks for reading! ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanna say, the majority of this cast came from animechess69!  
> Shoutout to her for the great cast and the idea to do this fic in the first place!


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